Titanium.

Hi, my name is Ashleigh and I'm an over-sharer. I guess with my blog it's pretty obvious. But I really do over-share. I know this about myself, as do my friends and those around me. They're used to it by now. But I wasn't always one. I used to hide my feelings and had a great weight on my chest of holding onto secrets.

I have been in a lot of pain in my life. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a victim. But I do know and accept that I have been through a lot. I strongly believed that I was not able to talk to anyone about the pain. That friends and family wouldn't love me or want to be around me if I shared how I felt. Then I opened up to one person, my ex. Because he is a classified narcissist, who has been through his own pain and took a different path with handling it, he used my pain against me and as a result I had extremely low self-esteem and self-worth. I relied on him. Solely. And I did not want to talk to anyone else, because when I did open up, I did to the wrong person.

I think about this a lot. Apparently, from talking to peers and researching, people don't want to hear about domestic abuse, or sufferings. They don't want to hear about mental health. But I don't care. I will never hide my feelings or hurt again. I stayed in an abusive relationship that nearly killed me, because I was afraid to speak up and to get help. Never again. So I might make people uncomfortable. But if my over-sharing reaches even just one person that is going through what I went through, and gives them strength to reach out to someone, then I will make people uncomfortable like it's my job. 

Going off of my over-sharing tendencies, I have gone into no-contact with my ex. Blocking him from every form of social media and his phone number. When he has reached out to me with a new number and I realize it's him, I block that number too. It's not easy. Sometimes I wonder about him and want him to reach out to me. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at him. But it wouldn't do any good. So how do I get out those emotions? Blogging. And I'm sharing what I want to say to him, so that if someone reads this, they know they're not alone. That there are outlets to talk. That you can share what you feel and be heard. I am heard. My thoughts and feelings matter.

And I refuse to hold onto any negative thoughts or emotions as I am happy now. I never want to get sucked back into communication with him. I'm getting out the bad emotions by sharing. I never want to be mentally or physically abused. So below is what I would want to say to him, but won't give him the satisfaction of responding to him.

To my ex:

I forgive you. I blamed you for a lot, when everything that you put me through actually made me strong and fiercely independent. I know that I was too strong to break. That I'm a survivor.

I know that you loved me. That you will always love me in your distorted way, but you can't be in my life ever again. I deserve more and you helped me see that. You helped me to see how truly amazing I am, that I deserve someone that appreciates me and that you did not deserve the love that I gave you. I cannot fix you. You hurt me. Physically and mentally. For years. I tried to take my life because of how worthless your actions and words made me feel. But I fought through it, I know my worth and I'm genuinely happy. You letting me go was the best thing you ever did for me and you no longer have any power over me.

You were right. You would tell me that I could beat this. That I was strong enough and while those around me would bring me down or didn't understand what I was going through, I did it. I survived. It's a continued battle, and I do suffer from depression still, but my life has gotten so much better. I'm happy and I thank you for your part in my journey. I want to thank you for leaving, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have been happy or built relationships with those around me. In all honesty, I truly believe if you hadn't left, that I wouldn't still be alive. So thank you and leave me the fuck alone. 

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium