With today being World Mental Health Day, I wanted to talk about a trending topic I saw about what depression looks like. Through social media and news, there is a misconception that depression is a dark picture of someone on the ground, with their head clutched in their hands. In reality, that’s not what depression always looks like. I’m usually seen as bubbly and happy by others, even when I’m battling anxiety or a depressive episode.
The topic reminded me how depression can be masked with just a smile.Those with mental health problems don’t always look “depressed”. While I’m doing better than I have been in my entire life, there are still days where I’m struggling without looking like the stereotype of this illness and I’m not the only one. Together, we can raise awareness to support better mental health.
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
I recently reread my previous post. It felt painful, but also refreshing at the same time. It was raw, and real. Unfiltered. What I really felt as I was going through a depressive episode. As I got back into my life and recovering from the episode, it's hard for me to forget the pain I was feeling. I'm okay - I'm doing better - but that pain is a reminder of the battle I face with depression and anxiety.
I was embarrassed after first writing it. Mostly because I felt that I should be. I mean, what if someone actually reads that and thinks I'm crazy? Then I remembered, I don't care. My depression is a part of me, whether I like it or not. I know that I'm not crazy. The important people in my life know I'm not crazy and anyone that judges me or my illness can suck it.
I'm also not alone. So many people battle these demons and the more that we talk about it, the more we can support each other in our journeys. There are also some positives that come out of these episodes, see below.
I write
I find great comfort in writing. To be able to get out all of the thoughts that are bombarding me. It's therapeutic and makes me feel accomplished. I may not be the best writer - I may not articulate everything I mean, but it's a release that I crave.
I love
My depression and anxiety have shaped me to love harder. I express my emotions for others and connect with my friends and family on a deeper level because of it. I know what it feels like to feel like no one loves or cares about you, so I love my support system extra hard, to make sure they know I'm there for them. This compassion and empathy has lead me to find amazing people in my life. There's no room to be judgmental when you're battling depression. I know as well as anyone that we're all struggling with something. It's better to fight together.
I laugh
Hitting rock bottom can be positive. I mean, there's only one way to go and that's up. I appreciate my good days THAT much more, because I know the stark comparison of what a bad day is like. I'm also self-aware, and use humor to help me cope with my illness. I constantly seek happiness and there's nothing like a good laugh to make someone smile.
I'm driven
Maybe I'm overcompensating because I feel guilty for not wanting to live before, but I work harder because I want to use my full potential. I don't take life for granted. I guess that's a common misconception with depression, too. Others think that depression is selfish, but it's not. I don't want to feel like I want to die. To think that the world would be better off without me. That's just a chemical imbalance that overpowers the logical side of things. But when I've made it through the episode, I know that I'm that much stronger and can accomplish whatever I want to.
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
Throughout the last week, I was hit with an intense depressive episode. For me, I try to be as proactive as I can be when I feel the symptoms. But, depression is an isolating illness. While the logical part of me is saying, "Your friends will understand. It's okay to speak up and reach out for help," the depression is in the back of my mind saying, "No one understands. Everyone thinks you're crazy and worthless. They'll leave you." It's an illness that makes you push people away when you really need them the most because I am terrified that my depression will ruin my relationships.
It's easier to be proactive when you're not in an episode. If I'm feeling slight symptoms, I can manage and cope with them. But when it's this deep, it's like I can't turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. For those that have never had depression, it's something that can't be understood. I've been told that I'm just feeling sad and that everyone gets sad. But the thing is, depression isn't just sadness. I feel it physically and mentally.
When you lose someone or are going through a difficult time in life, whether that be losing a job or going through a breakup, it's normal to be sad and grieve. But, when you feel like you've been consumed by a dark cloud, when everything is going right in your life, that's not normal.
I feel guilty. I know that I should be happy right now. I just accomplished graduate school. And yet, finishing school is a trigger for me. If I'm not in school anymore, what am I doing with my life now?
It's like I'm conflicted between knowing that I should feel okay and what I'm actually feeling. I have a job. I have a life. I have friends. I've moved on. I earned my Master's degree. And yet, I can be found on the bathroom floor crying uncontrollably for no reason.
Again, this symptom then makes me feel guilty, stupid, and honestly quite pathetic. I have no reason to cry, but I do. I have no reason to be unhappy, but I'm filled with dread and uncertainty of how I'll manage the pain I'm feeling each day, hour, minute. Until it passes. Until the episode is over. But for those that suffer from depression, it doesn't feel like it will end. It feels like you're trapped and have a tremendous amount of weight on your shoulders. It feels like an eternity.
Depression isn't sadness. It's a war in within your mind. It doesn't discriminate against who it affects. It doesn't matter your age, race, gender or social status. Medicine and self-care (meditation, counseling, hobbies) help manage the symptoms. I know that first-hand. I haven't had this type of episode since last year, and each time it's like I forget that it does end. That I'm strong and can make it through it. Depression takes away your drive to succeed. It makes you feel weak.
I'm holding on. And I'm trying. I'm fighting not to succumb to the darkness. But I need patience surrounding me because I need extra love and support right now.
If you're also fighting depression, stay strong. You're not alone. I know that each episode feels like a relapse, but recovery isn't a linear path. We have ups and our downs. Give them hell.
The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
The month of May has historically sucked for me. For the last few years, a major negative event has taken place. But this May, after removing myself from a toxic relationship and learning about myself, it was a month filled with friends, fun and happiness. Yes, happiness. And it really made me reflect on how much I let one person hurt me which made a major impact on my life. By rejecting that negativity and standing up for myself, my life has changed. For the first time in years, I'm happy. I've done a lot of research on happiness. As someone who battles both depression and anxiety, especially during a long-term and abusive relationship, I always wanted to simply be happy. Which was an uphill battle for me. I would be consumed with sadness. All of the time. But by learning about options, I've finally found it. Just want to be clear, I do not solely blame another person. While his abuse did not help and in a lot of cases increased anxiety, my body also has a chemically imbalance. Ooooh, chemical imbalance. I know that basically sounds like "crazy" but that couldn't be farther from the truth. "Major depression is a disease that impacts approximately 5% of people globally. For over 30 years, scientists believed that monoamines– mood-related chemicals such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine– are low in the brain during major depressive episodes. This is commonly referred to as a 'chemical imbalance'" according to PsychCentral. Because of who I was sharing my life with and this chemical imbalance, I was extremely self-conscious and just didn't have any hope left. There were both something that I felt ashamed of. I was in a relationship for eight years with an abuser and I also battled depression. Both of those things, domestic violence and mental illness, are still considered taboo to talk about. So much so that I felt like I had to stay with him because I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. This went on for years. Hiding what was really happening, how I was really feeling. I overcompensated with humor and smiles. "How could someone that is always smiling and laughing possibly be depressed?" It's how I coped and survived the darkness. But then something changed. While walking away from someone I loved was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I gained my freedom. That was in November. And while I was a wreck for a while, I thought about the new opportunities I had. I wasn't constantly being bashed or worrying about being physically or verbally abused. I was able to get to know myself. I was able to learn and understand domestic violence and mental illness. How they overlap and how to heal. The depression and anxiety didn't just go away on its own - and isn't "cured". There isn't actually a cure for either, there are only options that help. I have been able to focus on myself and what was best for me, though. Counseling, meditation, friends and medicine. Those are the things that have worked for me and I will continue to grow and figure out how to maintain my happiness, because everyone deserves to be happy. I do still get sad. The elements that I've talked about aren't magic. But I don't get sad like I did before. I can go walk on the beach, write, meditate or simply call one of my friends. They have been my support system, which was something I didn't have before. While they might not always understand depression, they know that what I'm feeling is very real. This means the world. It's really weird to think back to just six months ago. Where I was at and who I was with in my life. So this post was for me and my life is for me, but it was also for others that might be struggling with these issues. While it makes most people uncomfortable to hear about domestic violence or mental illness, I'm not going to stay quiet. I know what it's like to do that, to stay in a bad relationship because you're afraid to leave, to be asking yourself why you're even alive and I hope to make more people aware of these topics so that less people will ever go through what I did. Because even the person that looks happy can be fighting for their life, internally or externally. That doesn't make us victims, either. It makes us survivors. Things have changed. I have changed, and finally have what I want.
