Scars to Your Beautiful.

Last year I wrote about the misconception of "what depression looks like." When I heard the news of Kate Spade's untimely death, my heart sank and was reminded that mental illness doesn't have a type. It can affect anyone, anytime.

This was a strong, smart and talented woman that inspired those around her. It seemed she had everything, from the outside looking in. That's the thing about mental illness. It's an internal struggle. It also doesn't discriminate. No matter your age, gender, race, income or education, you have an equal opportunity chance to be fighting your own mind.

I looked up to Kate. I loved who she was as a person. Her designs, style, everything. Not just on a level of obsessing over her purses - trust, I did - but about her message and encouragement.

To Live Colorfully.

To Be Bright, Be Happy, Be You.

That I'm Quick and Curious and Playful and Strong.

That I Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever I Go.

Unfortunately, Kate lost her life to suicide. It's a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that it doesn't feel temporary, first-hand. That it feels like there is no other choice. It hurts my heart that another beautiful soul is gone, but my hope is that it brings even more awareness to the stigma of mental illness. 

That we place just as big of an emphasis on mental health as physical health. That we learn to understand that people struggling don't always look or seem like they are. Hopefully, we can get to the point where we ask our friends and family about how they're doing - and mean it. That while discussing any illness can make us uncomfortable that we would rather be uncomfortable talking about it now rather than talking about another preventable death later.

Rest in peace, Kate. I'm so sorry that you were carrying such a big burden. 

And there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark
You should know you're beautiful just the way you are
And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

Stand By You.

With today being World Mental Health Day, I wanted to talk about a trending topic I saw about what depression looks like. 

Through social media and news, there is a misconception that depression is a dark picture of someone on the ground, with their head clutched in their hands. In reality, that’s not what depression always looks like. I’m usually seen as bubbly and happy by others, even when I’m battling anxiety or a depressive episode.

The topic reminded me how depression can be masked with just a smile.Those with mental health problems don’t always look “depressed”. While I’m doing better than I have been in my entire life, there are still days where I’m struggling without looking like the stereotype of this illness and I’m not the only one. 

Together, we can raise awareness to support better mental health.

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through

Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

I wanna get better.

I recently reread my previous post. It felt painful, but also refreshing at the same time. It was raw, and real. Unfiltered. What I really felt as I was going through a depressive episode. As I got back into my life and recovering from the episode, it's hard for me to forget the pain I was feeling. I'm okay - I'm doing better - but that pain is a reminder of the battle I face with depression and anxiety.

I was embarrassed after first writing it. Mostly because I felt that I should be. I mean, what if someone actually reads that and thinks I'm crazy? Then I remembered, I don't care. My depression is a part of me, whether I like it or not. I know that I'm not crazy. The important people in my life know I'm not crazy and anyone that judges me or my illness can suck it.

I'm also not alone. So many people battle these demons and the more that we talk about it, the more we can support each other in our journeys. There are also some positives that come out of these episodes, see below.

• I write
• I find great comfort in writing. To be able to get out all of the thoughts that are bombarding me. It's therapeutic and makes me feel accomplished. I may not be the best writer - I may not articulate everything I mean, but it's a release that I crave. 
• I love
• My depression and anxiety have shaped me to love harder. I express my emotions for others and connect with my friends and family on a deeper level because of it. I know what it feels like to feel like no one loves or cares about you, so I love my support system extra hard, to make sure they know I'm there for them. This compassion and empathy has lead me to find amazing people in my life. There's no room to be judgmental when you're battling depression. I know as well as anyone that we're all struggling with something. It's better to fight together. 
• I laugh
• Hitting rock bottom can be positive. I mean, there's only one way to go and that's up. I appreciate my good days THAT much more, because I know the stark comparison of what a bad day is like. I'm also self-aware, and use humor to help me cope with my illness. I constantly seek happiness and there's nothing like a good laugh to make someone smile. 
• I'm driven
• Maybe I'm overcompensating because I feel guilty for not wanting to live before, but I work harder because I want to use my full potential. I don't take life for granted. I guess that's a common misconception with depression, too. Others think that depression is selfish, but it's not. I don't want to feel like I want to die. To think that the world would be better off without me. That's just a chemical imbalance that overpowers the logical side of things. But when I've made it through the episode, I know that I'm that much stronger and can accomplish whatever I want to.
  

I wanna get better

I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change

I wanna get better, better, better, better,

I wanna get better

1-800-273-8255.

Throughout the last week, I was hit with an intense depressive episode. For me, I try to be as proactive as I can be when I feel the symptoms. But, depression is an isolating illness. While the logical part of me is saying, "Your friends will understand. It's okay to speak up and reach out for help," the depression is in the back of my mind saying, "No one understands. Everyone thinks you're crazy and worthless. They'll leave you." It's an illness that makes you push people away when you really need them the most because I am terrified that my depression will ruin my relationships.

It's easier to be proactive when you're not in an episode. If I'm feeling slight symptoms, I can manage and cope with them. But when it's this deep, it's like I can't turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. For those that have never had depression, it's something that can't be understood. I've been told that I'm just feeling sad and that everyone gets sad. But the thing is, depression isn't just sadness. I feel it physically and mentally.

When you lose someone or are going through a difficult time in life, whether that be losing a job or going through a breakup, it's normal to be sad and grieve. But, when you feel like you've been consumed by a dark cloud, when everything is going right in your life, that's not normal.

I feel guilty. I know that I should be happy right now. I just accomplished graduate school. And yet, finishing school is a trigger for me. If I'm not in school anymore, what am I doing with my life now?

It's like I'm conflicted between knowing that I should feel okay and what I'm actually feeling. I have a job. I have a life. I have friends. I've moved on. I earned my Master's degree. And yet, I can be found on the bathroom floor crying uncontrollably for no reason.

Again, this symptom then makes me feel guilty, stupid, and honestly quite pathetic. I have no reason to cry, but I do. I have no reason to be unhappy, but I'm filled with dread and uncertainty of how I'll manage the pain I'm feeling each day, hour, minute. Until it passes. Until the episode is over. But for those that suffer from depression, it doesn't feel like it will end. It feels like you're trapped and have a tremendous amount of weight on your shoulders. It feels like an eternity.

Depression isn't sadness. It's a war in within your mind. It doesn't discriminate against who it affects. It doesn't matter your age, race, gender or social status. Medicine and self-care (meditation, counseling, hobbies) help manage the symptoms. I know that first-hand. I haven't had this type of episode since last year, and each time it's like I forget that it does end. That I'm strong and can make it through it. Depression takes away your drive to succeed. It makes you feel weak.

I'm holding on. And I'm trying. I'm fighting not to succumb to the darkness. But I need patience surrounding me because I need extra love and support right now.

If you're also fighting depression, stay strong. You're not alone. I know that each episode feels like a relapse, but recovery isn't a linear path. We have ups and our downs. Give them hell.

The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow

But I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna cry anymore

Keep on Dancin'.

I don't think I write enough. Why do I think that? Well, because when I do finally make time to write, I have a million thoughts running through my mind and it's hard to sort things out sometimes. It's like too much is going on, so I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start off by saying that I have come such a long way with dealing with things that have happened in my life. Even on bad days, there is such a stark difference than where I was just a year before. For example, I felt down today. But I cried for a little, then coped with it and moved on. That is not something I was capable of doing even just eight months ago. I was trapped and could not get out of what felt like a never ending hole.

I've spoken to this point before, but I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this is to me. That I can feel sadness, but that it no longer controls my life. That I can have flashbacks or memories of my past abusive relationship and while it still hurts, I can take a deep breath and let it go. I am so thankful for this and I know that it is from the help of many things. An antidepressant, my friends and loved ones and from other activities such as writing. From someone that suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, trust me when I say that the episodes feel everlasting. Like nothing will ever change.

But it does change. It does get better. Not to say it is easy, at all. I fought like hell to get to where I am today. I currently am taking two classes for grad school and am five weeks in. I have 100 percents in both of them. I'm learning and growing in my position at work and I have a group of friends that are my support system. Writing this paragraph caused me to tear up, but from happiness. From pure joy. I can see the brightside of things, for real. I used to pretend to be happy, I am known to always smile, but my smile now reflects how I feel.

This weekend I had an amazing [mini] road trip with my roommate. We went to Orlando to see Ellie Goulding and her show was at UCF - my alma mater. I was able to show one of my closest friends where I spent almost five years of my life and show her some of my favorite things about the campus. This even included making her take a picture of me in front of my sorority house (Go Theta!). I was able to show her a part of my life that I am so proud of. That despite everything that was happening, that I was able to get through it. I was able to show her my strength.

So, it was so much more than just a road trip to see Ellie Goulding. But also, Ellie was amazing. Absolutely stunning and one of the best shows that I have ever seen. The way she spoke to the crowd and performed, to how beautiful she sang. I was able to take in everything and not be silently worrying or be dealing with sadness. Instead, I was just full of excitement and happiness.

Even with rough days now, I know that I can get through it and thinking back to big milestones like this weekend helps get me through.

Happy, in rain or thunder

Baby I keep

I keep on, I keep on, I just keep on dancing

Something Good Can Work.

The month of May has historically sucked for me. For the last few years, a major negative event has taken place. But this May, after removing myself from a toxic relationship and learning about myself, it was a month filled with friends, fun and happiness. 

Yes, happiness. And it really made me reflect on how much I let one person hurt me which made a major impact on my life. By rejecting that negativity and standing up for myself, my life has changed. For the first time in years, I'm happy. I've done a lot of research on happiness. As someone who battles both depression and anxiety, especially during a long-term and abusive relationship, I always wanted to simply be happy. Which was an uphill battle for me. 

I would be consumed with sadness. All of the time. But by learning about options, I've finally found it. Just want to be clear, I do not solely blame another person. While his abuse did not help and in a lot of cases increased anxiety, my body also has a chemically imbalance. 

Ooooh, chemical imbalance. I know that basically sounds like "crazy" but that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

"Major depression is a disease that impacts approximately 5% of people globally. For over 30 years, scientists believed that monoamines– mood-related chemicals such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine– are low in the brain during major depressive episodes. This is commonly referred to as a 'chemical imbalance'" according to PsychCentral. 

Because of who I was sharing my life with and this chemical imbalance, I was extremely self-conscious and just didn't have any hope left. There were both something that I felt ashamed of. I was in a relationship for eight years with an abuser and I also battled depression. Both of those things, domestic violence and mental illness, are still considered taboo to talk about. So much so that I felt like I had to stay with him because I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. 

This went on for years. Hiding what was really happening, how I was really feeling. I overcompensated with humor and smiles. "How could someone that is always smiling and laughing possibly be depressed?" 

It's how I coped and survived the darkness. But then something changed. While walking away from someone I loved was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I gained my freedom. 

That was in November. And while I was a wreck for a while, I thought about the new opportunities I had. I wasn't constantly being bashed or worrying about being physically or verbally abused. I was able to get to know myself. I was able to learn and understand domestic violence and mental illness. How they overlap and how to heal. 

The depression and anxiety didn't just go away on its own - and isn't "cured". There isn't actually a cure for either, there are only options that help. I have been able to focus on myself and what was best for me, though. Counseling, meditation, friends and medicine. Those are the things that have worked for me and I will continue to grow and figure out how to maintain my happiness, because everyone deserves to be happy. 

I do still get sad. The elements that I've talked about aren't magic. But I don't get sad like I did before. I can go walk on the beach, write, meditate or simply call one of my friends. They have been my support system, which was something I didn't have before. While they might not always understand depression, they know that what I'm feeling is very real. This means the world. It's really weird to think back to just six months ago. Where I was at and who I was with in my life. 

So this post was for me and my life is for me, but it was also for others that might be struggling with these issues. While it makes most people uncomfortable to hear about domestic violence or mental illness, I'm not going to stay quiet. I know what it's like to do that, to stay in a bad relationship because you're afraid to leave, to be asking yourself why you're even alive and I hope to make more people aware of these topics so that less people will ever go through what I did. Because even the person that looks happy can be fighting for their life, internally or externally. That doesn't make us victims, either. It makes us survivors. 

Things have changed. I have changed, and finally have what I want. 

Let's get this started girl

We're moving up, we're moving up

It's been a lot to change

But you will always get what you want