Beautiful Soul.

So many things going on. First off, it's Thursday so you know my blog post for today has to be somewhat Throwback related (see the associated song below). Anyways, I have so much going on. From an increasing workload to finishing up my finals for school, then trying to have a social life, things just get hectic and as any normal human, I get overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed leads to frustration and perhaps grumpiness. But I was reminded this week of how toxic stress can be, how I need to focus on the good and take everything that comes to me with peace. The first reminder was when I was with some friends. A friend of a friend came up to me and told me that I had a beautiful soul and that it radiated from me. That my energy was positive and that she just could tell who I am as a person. Woah, right? It was pretty meaningful to me. Here I am stressed about life, focusing on negativity, and a stranger could see past that and the good within me. It really made me stop for a second and think about the importance of what vibes I'm giving off, not just to those around me, but for myself.

It's proven that when you think happy, you are happy. Positivity goes a long way. It may sound cliche or even stupid to some, but I totally believe it and have noticed significant changes in my mood and relationships when I come at situations with hope and positivity.

Disclaimer: That is not to say that depressed people should just "think happy thoughts." It's more of a reminder that along with medicine or other coping skills, we need to continue to try our hardest to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Depression and other mental illnesses are totally real and cannot just be wished away. But, radiating positivity helps bring peace and happiness to our souls. 

But we all have our off days. It's just that during those times, I want to continue to remind myself that it's just a bad day, not a bad life. That I am a happy person and I want that happiness to shine through me. Positive things happen to me and I accept those things as I deserve happiness.

The next little reminder came to me yesterday. I was leaving work and someone in a leadership position told me how the bright and positive attitude that I give off shows within my work. That my enthusiasm makes a difference and that he has taken notice of the growth I've had while working with the company. He actually said that my growth is a model to other employees around me.

Again, woah. I heard things that I needed to be reminded of. That I am exactly where I should be and that I am a good person. That my personality and who I am might be hard to keep up with sometimes, but that I can bring happiness to those around me.

So, even if you're grumpy or having a bad day, push through and focus on positivity and the days ahead. Things can come at you, but overcoming them takes a positive mindset and will make all the difference. Be a beautiful soul. 

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul

Unsteady.

This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend another show. This upcoming weekend, I will also be attending a show. Basically, this year has been all about music and friends for me. Shows I've gone to in 2016 or will be going to this year:

• The Struts
• Beyoncé
• Sunset Music Festival (The Chainsmokers, Zomboy, Borgore, to name a few headliners)
• Ellie Goulding
• X Ambassadors
• The Taste of Chaos Tour (Taking Back Sunday/Dashboard Confessional/Saosin)
• Sublime with Rome and Dirty Heads
• AWOLNATION
• blink-182
• Imagine Festival (ATL, GA)
• Sum 41
• Austin City Limits (Austin, TX)

Okay, so what does this have to do with anything? Music is powerful. It engulfs your memory and evokes emotion. I did not really get how powerful it could be. It's something that you can feel, in your heart. It brings people together, creating strong bonds between those who share these memories. 

It not only helps people during bad times, it also reflects good times as well. Happiness and sadness. All emotions. It is said that it is the best solution to any problem. Universally, people agree and believe that. Our hearts have beats, it literally is music in itself. 

I'm thankful that music connects with my soul and that I can turn to it when I can't put into words what I feel.  No matter what I've felt during the last couple of months. Pain, anger, happiness, I've turned to music and have found myself within it.

I saw the X Ambassadors at 97x's Bud and Burgers event this weekend and was totally impressed with the passion that they performed with. I felt a deep connection to their songs and it made my heart truly happy. 

But if you love me, don't let go

Whoa, if you love me, don't let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me

'Cause I'm a little unsteady

A little unsteady

Keep on Dancin'.

I don't think I write enough. Why do I think that? Well, because when I do finally make time to write, I have a million thoughts running through my mind and it's hard to sort things out sometimes. It's like too much is going on, so I don't even know where to begin.

I guess I'll start off by saying that I have come such a long way with dealing with things that have happened in my life. Even on bad days, there is such a stark difference than where I was just a year before. For example, I felt down today. But I cried for a little, then coped with it and moved on. That is not something I was capable of doing even just eight months ago. I was trapped and could not get out of what felt like a never ending hole.

I've spoken to this point before, but I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this is to me. That I can feel sadness, but that it no longer controls my life. That I can have flashbacks or memories of my past abusive relationship and while it still hurts, I can take a deep breath and let it go. I am so thankful for this and I know that it is from the help of many things. An antidepressant, my friends and loved ones and from other activities such as writing. From someone that suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, trust me when I say that the episodes feel everlasting. Like nothing will ever change.

But it does change. It does get better. Not to say it is easy, at all. I fought like hell to get to where I am today. I currently am taking two classes for grad school and am five weeks in. I have 100 percents in both of them. I'm learning and growing in my position at work and I have a group of friends that are my support system. Writing this paragraph caused me to tear up, but from happiness. From pure joy. I can see the brightside of things, for real. I used to pretend to be happy, I am known to always smile, but my smile now reflects how I feel.

This weekend I had an amazing [mini] road trip with my roommate. We went to Orlando to see Ellie Goulding and her show was at UCF - my alma mater. I was able to show one of my closest friends where I spent almost five years of my life and show her some of my favorite things about the campus. This even included making her take a picture of me in front of my sorority house (Go Theta!). I was able to show her a part of my life that I am so proud of. That despite everything that was happening, that I was able to get through it. I was able to show her my strength.

So, it was so much more than just a road trip to see Ellie Goulding. But also, Ellie was amazing. Absolutely stunning and one of the best shows that I have ever seen. The way she spoke to the crowd and performed, to how beautiful she sang. I was able to take in everything and not be silently worrying or be dealing with sadness. Instead, I was just full of excitement and happiness.

Even with rough days now, I know that I can get through it and thinking back to big milestones like this weekend helps get me through.

Happy, in rain or thunder

Baby I keep

I keep on, I keep on, I just keep on dancing

We are never, ever getting back together.

I recently came across one of the best articles about when an empath and narcissist get into a relationship. To finally read something that sorts out what my life was for an eight-year relationship was so monumental for me.

http://tcat.tc/25yFZkM

So what did I get out of it? Validation, really. While I started healing months ago, it's obviously not something that happens overnight. I went through the stages of grief, but something I've realized is that I didn't lose him, I lost the perception of who I thought he was. From the article, I got the reassurance that I wasn't crazy or stupid. That I was manipulated and also targeted because of who I am as a person and my successes.

It didn't start off horrible. He wasn't a monster in the beginning, he was charming. It wasn't until years later that he started to really show his true colors. By then, I was hooked. I wanted to fix and help him. I was determined and each obstacle, I overcame to be with him. I was blinded and accepting that and that it wasn't necessarily my fault - some people still don't understand that part, how I could stay with him if he was so abusive - but he hooked me before it got to that point. 

I don't really want to dwell on what happened, too much anymore because that gives him power and he has not power over my life anymore. But I'm a firm believer that domestic violence and narcissism go hand-in-hand and that there should not be a stigma of talking about it. I'm not sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about. Because you shouldn't be uncomfortable by the survivor, you should be uncomfortable by the abuser. I shouldn't have felt the need to hide and lie about the abuse, just to save people from judging me. Abuse is real. There isn't a clear picture of someone that is abused or the abuser themselves. It can literally happen to anyone. 

For example, I am a bubbly, charismatic person. I smile constantly and as I've told my story, people have literally said, "But how can you look so happy if you went through all of this." Then on the other side, he doesn't look or act like - around other people - a bad person. He comes off as smart, charming and likable. We looked like a great, happy couple. We shared eight years together, how could we possibly have been in a domestically violent relationship? We were so "cute" together. We grew up together. 

It happens. And while it is easier to look the other way and pretend like everything was okay, it wasn't. I wasn't okay. The relationship literally almost killed me. Physically by him and mentally by me. Not only did he put my life in danger, but the relationship put me in such a bad place that I thought I wanted to die. 

This is reality. It's not easy to talk about. It's not fun or glamorous. But it happened to me and I know that it is happening to others, right at this very moment. And instead of shaming someone, blaming them for staying, I hope that you can realize that the abusive narcissist manipulates the empath for years and creates this bond and cycle that is hard to break. Even if it is broken, it's that much harder to not go back. It can be done, but it needs to be accepted and talked about before survivors are able to leave. 

Break the stigma and if you're going through this, if you're in an abusive relationship with a narcissist or if you were, remember to never, ever get back together with them. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but it's the only way to be happy and to gain your freedom back. 

We are never, ever, ever getting back together. 

Like, ever. 

Something Good Can Work.

The month of May has historically sucked for me. For the last few years, a major negative event has taken place. But this May, after removing myself from a toxic relationship and learning about myself, it was a month filled with friends, fun and happiness. 

Yes, happiness. And it really made me reflect on how much I let one person hurt me which made a major impact on my life. By rejecting that negativity and standing up for myself, my life has changed. For the first time in years, I'm happy. I've done a lot of research on happiness. As someone who battles both depression and anxiety, especially during a long-term and abusive relationship, I always wanted to simply be happy. Which was an uphill battle for me. 

I would be consumed with sadness. All of the time. But by learning about options, I've finally found it. Just want to be clear, I do not solely blame another person. While his abuse did not help and in a lot of cases increased anxiety, my body also has a chemically imbalance. 

Ooooh, chemical imbalance. I know that basically sounds like "crazy" but that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

"Major depression is a disease that impacts approximately 5% of people globally. For over 30 years, scientists believed that monoamines– mood-related chemicals such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine– are low in the brain during major depressive episodes. This is commonly referred to as a 'chemical imbalance'" according to PsychCentral. 

Because of who I was sharing my life with and this chemical imbalance, I was extremely self-conscious and just didn't have any hope left. There were both something that I felt ashamed of. I was in a relationship for eight years with an abuser and I also battled depression. Both of those things, domestic violence and mental illness, are still considered taboo to talk about. So much so that I felt like I had to stay with him because I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. 

This went on for years. Hiding what was really happening, how I was really feeling. I overcompensated with humor and smiles. "How could someone that is always smiling and laughing possibly be depressed?" 

It's how I coped and survived the darkness. But then something changed. While walking away from someone I loved was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I gained my freedom. 

That was in November. And while I was a wreck for a while, I thought about the new opportunities I had. I wasn't constantly being bashed or worrying about being physically or verbally abused. I was able to get to know myself. I was able to learn and understand domestic violence and mental illness. How they overlap and how to heal. 

The depression and anxiety didn't just go away on its own - and isn't "cured". There isn't actually a cure for either, there are only options that help. I have been able to focus on myself and what was best for me, though. Counseling, meditation, friends and medicine. Those are the things that have worked for me and I will continue to grow and figure out how to maintain my happiness, because everyone deserves to be happy. 

I do still get sad. The elements that I've talked about aren't magic. But I don't get sad like I did before. I can go walk on the beach, write, meditate or simply call one of my friends. They have been my support system, which was something I didn't have before. While they might not always understand depression, they know that what I'm feeling is very real. This means the world. It's really weird to think back to just six months ago. Where I was at and who I was with in my life. 

So this post was for me and my life is for me, but it was also for others that might be struggling with these issues. While it makes most people uncomfortable to hear about domestic violence or mental illness, I'm not going to stay quiet. I know what it's like to do that, to stay in a bad relationship because you're afraid to leave, to be asking yourself why you're even alive and I hope to make more people aware of these topics so that less people will ever go through what I did. Because even the person that looks happy can be fighting for their life, internally or externally. That doesn't make us victims, either. It makes us survivors. 

Things have changed. I have changed, and finally have what I want. 

Let's get this started girl

We're moving up, we're moving up

It's been a lot to change

But you will always get what you want 

Imagine.

Beliefs are a funny thing. Personally, I believe that everyone makes their own choices and that as long as it's not hurting others, that it's their right. What I don't understand is when someone's "belief" looks down on others or creates a negative impact. 

No matter your religion, belief, race, gender, etc. I don't believe anyone has the right to judge another. It's okay to disagree, and to not understand, but it is never okay - with me - to belittle another human being. 

People want to say that they are accepting and open to ideas that they aren't necessarily used to. Then when it comes down to it, they revert back to being closed minded. I believe that it's important to not let others opinions get to you, but to also not judge others that think differently than you do. 

"Open minded people don't impose their beliefs on others. They accept all of life's perspectives and realities, doing their own thing in peace."

It's not hard, just be kind.

You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one