Face Down.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While it hurts my heart to know that on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S., I also know that the stigma is slowly fading.

Don't get me wrong, it's still here. There are still people out there that blame the victim. That say they deserve it because they stayed. But awareness is helping break this stigma. 

People that know me know that I am passionate about baseball, cats and pizza, but I'm also a huge supporter for mental health and domestic violence awareness. These two uncomfortable topics were part of my every day life for eight years. Walking away was the hardest thing I've had to do, but it saved my life. 

So here is what I have to say: It's not okay if your partner physically or mentally abuses you. It's not okay for others to judge or blame you for your partner's abuse. It is not okay if your partner puts you down and hurts you so badly that you wish you were dead. It is not your job to fix them or protect them from getting into trouble. It is your job to get help. It's hard. SO hard. But there is help and you are not alone. 

My favorite line when I opened up to others about domestic violence was, "What? He's so nice. He would never do that." Because abusers supposedly look a certain way. But something I learned from both experience and research is that abusers know what they're doing. They know how to hide the abuse from others. They're good at manipulating not only you, but friends and family around you. They can be attractive, charming, hold a good job and be well-educated. 

My abuser was my high school sweetheart. I loved him so much that I stayed with him for eight years. I hoped and prayed he would change. That he wouldn't physically or mentally abuse me anymore. That because I didn't call the cops, because I protected him and hid the bruises and marks that he would love me enough to change. That was never going to happen though. Last year, I had enough. I realized that if I stayed, he would either kill me himself or would push me to suicide. While he made me out to be a crazy girlfriend, I know who he really is. That he is not who he pretends to be. I know that he hit me and mentally abused me and that I did not deserve that. 

So here I am, a lot of blood, sweat and tears later, successfully living a happy life. 

Please don't be afraid if you're in an abusive relationship. Know that there are resources to help. Know that while some won't understand what you're going through, others will. You are loved. You are enough and you do NOT deserve to be hurt. 

#DVAM #SupportSurvivors

Do you feel like a man

When you push her around?

Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?

Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's got to end

As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt

She said "This doesn't hurt!"

She said "I finally had enough!"

Still Waiting. & The Hell Song.

Negativity is part our of world and culture. It's easier for us to complain than to share our joys. But I'm through with that. Yes, I'm still human and will have hiccups, but I am consciously making an effort to not only be nice to others, but to myself as well.

I'm the type of person that will say sorry even when someone else did something wrong. In an argument or even when someone walks into me. But then I am ruthless towards myself. I strongly believe that when my thoughts are aligned positivity, that I can then share it with the world.

To help my self-love adventure and lifestyle change, I bought a mini white board and have committed to writing a positive affirmation about myself each day for a month. So far I have noticed that it helps improve my energy and happiness when I wake up. 

I may not stop over-apologizing, but I will stop being so hard on myself. Forgiveness when I mess up and continuing to put my best foot forward. 

Recently I saw Sum 41's "Don't Call it a Sum-back" tour in Orlando. It was the first show in 10+ years as the lead singer, Deryck, struggled with addiction. Now you may be thinking, what does punk rock have to do with self love and even with what I'm talking about. But Deryck explained, "It’s no secret that the world doesn’t get along and there’s all this hatred. It’s everything to do with how this world functions." 

Some may see this as we're up against the world, but to really fix what is going on, we have to start with ourselves. 

"If you correct the inside, the rest of your life will fall into place," Lao Tzu. 

But wait, there's more. For this post, I couldn't really decide between two of Sum 41 songs. The second really relates to accepting things as they are. That you can't change the events that happen, but you can control your reactions. It's semi-ironic that this band and their songs resonate so deeply to me. My ex is actually the one that really introduced me to them. Well, he played their albums in the car and I just listened. And now, I really appreciate their journey and how far they've come. 

So tell me what would you say

I'd say its up, to me

So am I still waiting

For this world to stop hating

Everybody's got their problems 

Everybody says the same things to you 

It's just a matter how you solve them

And knowing how to change the things you've been through