Survivor.

I'm afraid of abandonment. From a young age, I believed that neither of my parents wanted me because they chose drugs over my sisters and I. These people that are supposed to love me unconditionally chose substances over me. While growing up, I carried this fear with me and I'm sure that it had to do with me finding someone that was abusive and not capable of love. 

It was like "Fragile" or "Vulnerable" were written on my forehead. I was broken from years of hurt, so I found and accepted someone who also dealt with pain. Someone that didn't know how to love anyone. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved because I thought that no one could possibily love me. I mean, if my own parents didn't, why or how could anyone else?

I was loyal and stayed with this person, because he also made me believe that this was true. That no one else could possibly love me. That he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Granted, I know deep down that he was also raised to not feel loved. Having a father that left him and a mother that chose herself and alcohol over him. But at some point, you have to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Continuing the cycle of putting me down and making me feel worthless made him feel better, which isn't acceptable.

It took me years to know and believe that I wasn't the problem. With my parents or with my ex. I couldn't have done anything else to fix them or to make them choose me over their drug of choice. It wasn't my job to clean up the mess that my ex's childhood and upbringing was.

How I know that he still wants to hurt me is that he will "pop" up every couple of months. Causing me anxiety, panic and breakdowns. I'm better at handling these situations as they come up, but they still make me want to scream. Him doing this, when he has another girl in his life, when he knows I'm moving on, when it's been two years, is frustrating. I know that silence is the only thing he deserves, but then I feel like I'm also silenced. That what I want to get off of my chest will just give him happiness. That he'll know he's affecting me and that is exactly what he wants.

All I can do is to make peace with this. To know that I can't try to understand why he does what he does, because there's no logic to it. He's unhappy with his life and himself, so he wants me to suffer, too. Even though I'm not with him. It's ironic too. I would have settled with him. Trying to clean up his mess. Trying to show him love. But when I stopped and walked away, he continued to reach out and hurt me. Whenever a few months goes by, when I'm finally thinking that it's stopped - the texting, calls, driving to my apartment when he's drunk - happens again.

My peace comes from knowing that I did everything that I could. That I gave him everything that I had. That even though I had my own baggage, I took his on too. For years, I needed him. Or needed the person that he said he was. The person that said he was on my team. That we were family. That he loved and supported me. But those were all lies. And yes, people say not to need others, but we're human. We're biologically built to need others. While I'm stronger and independent now, I still need my friends and support system to be there for me. But at least now I don't need him. I don't need anyone that doesn't appreciate me or value who I am as a person.

While this time he violated my privacy by driving to my apartment, I know that it has nothing to do with me. I know that he's messed up and that I'm finally at complete peace. I've left him in my past, where he belongs. I've moved on. I'm talking to someone now and thanks to my ex, I know what I don't want out of a partner. I deserve someone who cares about me and treats me right.

By not letting him get the best of me, I've made room in my life for good people. Those that love and value me. I'm better off without someone who doesn't respect me and I'm choosing to not give any more of my time or energy to him. I no longer consider myself broken or damaged goods.

I know what you're doing. Contacting me every couple of months to make sure that I'm thinking about you. Trust me when I say, I don't think about you anymore. This is the last time you'll get any attention from me, and this is just because I need to let everything out. I won't say these things to you, directly. You don't deserve them. Instead, you deserve my silence and now that's all you'll ever get.
So boy, bye. 

Now that you're out of my life, I'm so much better

You thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm stronger

You thought that I'd be broke without you, but I'm richer

You thought that I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder

Thought I wouldn't grow without you, now I'm wiser

Thought that I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter

Stand By You.

With today being World Mental Health Day, I wanted to talk about a trending topic I saw about what depression looks like. 

Through social media and news, there is a misconception that depression is a dark picture of someone on the ground, with their head clutched in their hands. In reality, that’s not what depression always looks like. I’m usually seen as bubbly and happy by others, even when I’m battling anxiety or a depressive episode.

The topic reminded me how depression can be masked with just a smile.Those with mental health problems don’t always look “depressed”. While I’m doing better than I have been in my entire life, there are still days where I’m struggling without looking like the stereotype of this illness and I’m not the only one. 

Together, we can raise awareness to support better mental health.

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through

Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you

Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

I wanna get better.

I recently reread my previous post. It felt painful, but also refreshing at the same time. It was raw, and real. Unfiltered. What I really felt as I was going through a depressive episode. As I got back into my life and recovering from the episode, it's hard for me to forget the pain I was feeling. I'm okay - I'm doing better - but that pain is a reminder of the battle I face with depression and anxiety.

I was embarrassed after first writing it. Mostly because I felt that I should be. I mean, what if someone actually reads that and thinks I'm crazy? Then I remembered, I don't care. My depression is a part of me, whether I like it or not. I know that I'm not crazy. The important people in my life know I'm not crazy and anyone that judges me or my illness can suck it.

I'm also not alone. So many people battle these demons and the more that we talk about it, the more we can support each other in our journeys. There are also some positives that come out of these episodes, see below.

• I write
• I find great comfort in writing. To be able to get out all of the thoughts that are bombarding me. It's therapeutic and makes me feel accomplished. I may not be the best writer - I may not articulate everything I mean, but it's a release that I crave. 
• I love
• My depression and anxiety have shaped me to love harder. I express my emotions for others and connect with my friends and family on a deeper level because of it. I know what it feels like to feel like no one loves or cares about you, so I love my support system extra hard, to make sure they know I'm there for them. This compassion and empathy has lead me to find amazing people in my life. There's no room to be judgmental when you're battling depression. I know as well as anyone that we're all struggling with something. It's better to fight together. 
• I laugh
• Hitting rock bottom can be positive. I mean, there's only one way to go and that's up. I appreciate my good days THAT much more, because I know the stark comparison of what a bad day is like. I'm also self-aware, and use humor to help me cope with my illness. I constantly seek happiness and there's nothing like a good laugh to make someone smile. 
• I'm driven
• Maybe I'm overcompensating because I feel guilty for not wanting to live before, but I work harder because I want to use my full potential. I don't take life for granted. I guess that's a common misconception with depression, too. Others think that depression is selfish, but it's not. I don't want to feel like I want to die. To think that the world would be better off without me. That's just a chemical imbalance that overpowers the logical side of things. But when I've made it through the episode, I know that I'm that much stronger and can accomplish whatever I want to.
  

I wanna get better

I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change

I wanna get better, better, better, better,

I wanna get better

1-800-273-8255.

Throughout the last week, I was hit with an intense depressive episode. For me, I try to be as proactive as I can be when I feel the symptoms. But, depression is an isolating illness. While the logical part of me is saying, "Your friends will understand. It's okay to speak up and reach out for help," the depression is in the back of my mind saying, "No one understands. Everyone thinks you're crazy and worthless. They'll leave you." It's an illness that makes you push people away when you really need them the most because I am terrified that my depression will ruin my relationships.

It's easier to be proactive when you're not in an episode. If I'm feeling slight symptoms, I can manage and cope with them. But when it's this deep, it's like I can't turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. For those that have never had depression, it's something that can't be understood. I've been told that I'm just feeling sad and that everyone gets sad. But the thing is, depression isn't just sadness. I feel it physically and mentally.

When you lose someone or are going through a difficult time in life, whether that be losing a job or going through a breakup, it's normal to be sad and grieve. But, when you feel like you've been consumed by a dark cloud, when everything is going right in your life, that's not normal.

I feel guilty. I know that I should be happy right now. I just accomplished graduate school. And yet, finishing school is a trigger for me. If I'm not in school anymore, what am I doing with my life now?

It's like I'm conflicted between knowing that I should feel okay and what I'm actually feeling. I have a job. I have a life. I have friends. I've moved on. I earned my Master's degree. And yet, I can be found on the bathroom floor crying uncontrollably for no reason.

Again, this symptom then makes me feel guilty, stupid, and honestly quite pathetic. I have no reason to cry, but I do. I have no reason to be unhappy, but I'm filled with dread and uncertainty of how I'll manage the pain I'm feeling each day, hour, minute. Until it passes. Until the episode is over. But for those that suffer from depression, it doesn't feel like it will end. It feels like you're trapped and have a tremendous amount of weight on your shoulders. It feels like an eternity.

Depression isn't sadness. It's a war in within your mind. It doesn't discriminate against who it affects. It doesn't matter your age, race, gender or social status. Medicine and self-care (meditation, counseling, hobbies) help manage the symptoms. I know that first-hand. I haven't had this type of episode since last year, and each time it's like I forget that it does end. That I'm strong and can make it through it. Depression takes away your drive to succeed. It makes you feel weak.

I'm holding on. And I'm trying. I'm fighting not to succumb to the darkness. But I need patience surrounding me because I need extra love and support right now.

If you're also fighting depression, stay strong. You're not alone. I know that each episode feels like a relapse, but recovery isn't a linear path. We have ups and our downs. Give them hell.

The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow

But I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna cry anymore

Breakaway.

What better time to write your first blog in five months than right before graduation? Yes. That's right. I'll be walking across the stage, at the University of Florida, with a Master of Arts in Mass Communication with a specialization in Social Media degree in less than a week. Oh, and with a 4.0 overall GPA. WHAT, WHAT!

While that is a major accomplishment, what I'm reflecting on instead is that I didn't think I would make it this far. Not just with school, but with life. I struggled for many years with major depressive disorder, anxiety and also being in an abusive relationship. All of this being incredibly isolating. I vividly remember thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore right before my undergrad graduation ceremony. But, things changed. I didn't stay silent anymore and I sought help from those around me.

I know what it's like to believe that you can't make it through another day- or even another hour. I know what it's like to feel worthless and that you don't deserve to be loved or respected. But I also know that those feelings and thoughts can subside. That getting help and speaking up isn't easy, but it could save your life.

No, this isn't a story about pity. Instead, it's about hope and finding the right support to succeed.

To those that struggle with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To those that are in a toxic or abusive relationship and don't think there is any way out, there is. It's hard, but you can get through it. You can survive and make your dreams come true no matter what you've been through or what you're going through now. Your story isn't over;

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

My Wish.

I have never loved someone as much as I love my newborn niece, Leighton.

I mean seriously. Look at this face:

I know that all around me friends and people that I grew up with are having children. That our timelines and social media feeds can get bombarded with these smiling faces. But I just wanted to reflect on this upcoming generation.

They are not born to hate or judge. From the second that they arrive, they love. The purity that they are born with is one of the greatest things about them.

While I will not get into politics. I will mention that besides baby pictures, our feeds are filled with arguments and hate. No matter which side you're on, I know that you have emotions and opinions about the other side. Which is your right.

Yet look. This is our future generation.

My hope and wish for my niece is that she grows up to love others. That she is a kind and smart. That we teach her right from wrong and above all, she is compassionate.

I hope that seeing this generation being born also brings compassion to our hearts. As Leighton's aunt, I feel different. I have this child in my life that I love dearly and have hopes for her as she grows. My life changed with her arrival and I will do anything that I can to teach her love.

To show her love. There is so much negatively and bad going on in our world, but then there is this angel. Goodness.

I love you, Leighton. I promise to always be there for you and to support you as you continue to grow and learn. To continuously show you the good that is out there.

There are still good people in this world and I promise to be one of them.

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.