Scars to Your Beautiful.

Last year I wrote about the misconception of "what depression looks like." When I heard the news of Kate Spade's untimely death, my heart sank and was reminded that mental illness doesn't have a type. It can affect anyone, anytime.

This was a strong, smart and talented woman that inspired those around her. It seemed she had everything, from the outside looking in. That's the thing about mental illness. It's an internal struggle. It also doesn't discriminate. No matter your age, gender, race, income or education, you have an equal opportunity chance to be fighting your own mind.

I looked up to Kate. I loved who she was as a person. Her designs, style, everything. Not just on a level of obsessing over her purses - trust, I did - but about her message and encouragement.

To Live Colorfully.

To Be Bright, Be Happy, Be You.

That I'm Quick and Curious and Playful and Strong.

That I Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever I Go.

Unfortunately, Kate lost her life to suicide. It's a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that it doesn't feel temporary, first-hand. That it feels like there is no other choice. It hurts my heart that another beautiful soul is gone, but my hope is that it brings even more awareness to the stigma of mental illness. 

That we place just as big of an emphasis on mental health as physical health. That we learn to understand that people struggling don't always look or seem like they are. Hopefully, we can get to the point where we ask our friends and family about how they're doing - and mean it. That while discussing any illness can make us uncomfortable that we would rather be uncomfortable talking about it now rather than talking about another preventable death later.

Rest in peace, Kate. I'm so sorry that you were carrying such a big burden. 

And there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark
You should know you're beautiful just the way you are
And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

I wanna get better.

I recently reread my previous post. It felt painful, but also refreshing at the same time. It was raw, and real. Unfiltered. What I really felt as I was going through a depressive episode. As I got back into my life and recovering from the episode, it's hard for me to forget the pain I was feeling. I'm okay - I'm doing better - but that pain is a reminder of the battle I face with depression and anxiety.

I was embarrassed after first writing it. Mostly because I felt that I should be. I mean, what if someone actually reads that and thinks I'm crazy? Then I remembered, I don't care. My depression is a part of me, whether I like it or not. I know that I'm not crazy. The important people in my life know I'm not crazy and anyone that judges me or my illness can suck it.

I'm also not alone. So many people battle these demons and the more that we talk about it, the more we can support each other in our journeys. There are also some positives that come out of these episodes, see below.

• I write
• I find great comfort in writing. To be able to get out all of the thoughts that are bombarding me. It's therapeutic and makes me feel accomplished. I may not be the best writer - I may not articulate everything I mean, but it's a release that I crave. 
• I love
• My depression and anxiety have shaped me to love harder. I express my emotions for others and connect with my friends and family on a deeper level because of it. I know what it feels like to feel like no one loves or cares about you, so I love my support system extra hard, to make sure they know I'm there for them. This compassion and empathy has lead me to find amazing people in my life. There's no room to be judgmental when you're battling depression. I know as well as anyone that we're all struggling with something. It's better to fight together. 
• I laugh
• Hitting rock bottom can be positive. I mean, there's only one way to go and that's up. I appreciate my good days THAT much more, because I know the stark comparison of what a bad day is like. I'm also self-aware, and use humor to help me cope with my illness. I constantly seek happiness and there's nothing like a good laugh to make someone smile. 
• I'm driven
• Maybe I'm overcompensating because I feel guilty for not wanting to live before, but I work harder because I want to use my full potential. I don't take life for granted. I guess that's a common misconception with depression, too. Others think that depression is selfish, but it's not. I don't want to feel like I want to die. To think that the world would be better off without me. That's just a chemical imbalance that overpowers the logical side of things. But when I've made it through the episode, I know that I'm that much stronger and can accomplish whatever I want to.
  

I wanna get better

I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change

I wanna get better, better, better, better,

I wanna get better