The month of May has historically sucked for me. For the last few years, a major negative event has taken place. But this May, after removing myself from a toxic relationship and learning about myself, it was a month filled with friends, fun and happiness.
Yes, happiness. And it really made me reflect on how much I let one person hurt me which made a major impact on my life. By rejecting that negativity and standing up for myself, my life has changed. For the first time in years, I'm happy. I've done a lot of research on happiness. As someone who battles both depression and anxiety, especially during a long-term and abusive relationship, I always wanted to simply be happy. Which was an uphill battle for me.
I would be consumed with sadness. All of the time. But by learning about options, I've finally found it. Just want to be clear, I do not solely blame another person. While his abuse did not help and in a lot of cases increased anxiety, my body also has a chemically imbalance.
Ooooh, chemical imbalance. I know that basically sounds like "crazy" but that couldn't be farther from the truth.
"Major depression is a disease that impacts approximately 5% of people globally. For over 30 years, scientists believed that monoamines– mood-related chemicals such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine– are low in the brain during major depressive episodes. This is commonly referred to as a 'chemical imbalance'" according to PsychCentral.
Because of who I was sharing my life with and this chemical imbalance, I was extremely self-conscious and just didn't have any hope left. There were both something that I felt ashamed of. I was in a relationship for eight years with an abuser and I also battled depression. Both of those things, domestic violence and mental illness, are still considered taboo to talk about. So much so that I felt like I had to stay with him because I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone.
This went on for years. Hiding what was really happening, how I was really feeling. I overcompensated with humor and smiles. "How could someone that is always smiling and laughing possibly be depressed?"
It's how I coped and survived the darkness. But then something changed. While walking away from someone I loved was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I gained my freedom.
That was in November. And while I was a wreck for a while, I thought about the new opportunities I had. I wasn't constantly being bashed or worrying about being physically or verbally abused. I was able to get to know myself. I was able to learn and understand domestic violence and mental illness. How they overlap and how to heal.
The depression and anxiety didn't just go away on its own - and isn't "cured". There isn't actually a cure for either, there are only options that help. I have been able to focus on myself and what was best for me, though. Counseling, meditation, friends and medicine. Those are the things that have worked for me and I will continue to grow and figure out how to maintain my happiness, because everyone deserves to be happy.
I do still get sad. The elements that I've talked about aren't magic. But I don't get sad like I did before. I can go walk on the beach, write, meditate or simply call one of my friends. They have been my support system, which was something I didn't have before. While they might not always understand depression, they know that what I'm feeling is very real. This means the world. It's really weird to think back to just six months ago. Where I was at and who I was with in my life.
So this post was for me and my life is for me, but it was also for others that might be struggling with these issues. While it makes most people uncomfortable to hear about domestic violence or mental illness, I'm not going to stay quiet. I know what it's like to do that, to stay in a bad relationship because you're afraid to leave, to be asking yourself why you're even alive and I hope to make more people aware of these topics so that less people will ever go through what I did. Because even the person that looks happy can be fighting for their life, internally or externally. That doesn't make us victims, either. It makes us survivors.
Things have changed. I have changed, and finally have what I want.
Let's get this started girl
We're moving up, we're moving up
It's been a lot to change
But you will always get what you want
