This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend another show. This upcoming weekend, I will also be attending a show. Basically, this year has been all about music and friends for me. Shows I've gone to in 2016 or will be going to this year:
Sunset Music Festival (The Chainsmokers, Zomboy, Borgore, to name a few headliners)
Ellie Goulding
X Ambassadors
The Taste of Chaos Tour (Taking Back Sunday/Dashboard Confessional/Saosin)
Sublime with Rome and Dirty Heads
AWOLNATION
blink-182
Imagine Festival (ATL, GA)
Sum 41
Austin City Limits (Austin, TX)
Okay, so what does this have to do with anything? Music is powerful. It engulfs your memory and evokes emotion. I did not really get how powerful it could be. It's something that you can feel, in your heart. It brings people together, creating strong bonds between those who share these memories.
It not only helps people during bad times, it also reflects good times as well. Happiness and sadness. All emotions. It is said that it is the best solution to any problem. Universally, people agree and believe that. Our hearts have beats, it literally is music in itself.
I'm thankful that music connects with my soul and that I can turn to it when I can't put into words what I feel. No matter what I've felt during the last couple of months. Pain, anger, happiness, I've turned to music and have found myself within it.
I saw the X Ambassadors at 97x's Bud and Burgers event this weekend and was totally impressed with the passion that they performed with. I felt a deep connection to their songs and it made my heart truly happy.
I don't think I write enough. Why do I think that? Well, because when I do finally make time to write, I have a million thoughts running through my mind and it's hard to sort things out sometimes. It's like too much is going on, so I don't even know where to begin.
I guess I'll start off by saying that I have come such a long way with dealing with things that have happened in my life. Even on bad days, there is such a stark difference than where I was just a year before. For example, I felt down today. But I cried for a little, then coped with it and moved on. That is not something I was capable of doing even just eight months ago. I was trapped and could not get out of what felt like a never ending hole.
I've spoken to this point before, but I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this is to me. That I can feel sadness, but that it no longer controls my life. That I can have flashbacks or memories of my past abusive relationship and while it still hurts, I can take a deep breath and let it go. I am so thankful for this and I know that it is from the help of many things. An antidepressant, my friends and loved ones and from other activities such as writing. From someone that suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, trust me when I say that the episodes feel everlasting. Like nothing will ever change.
But it does change. It does get better. Not to say it is easy, at all. I fought like hell to get to where I am today. I currently am taking two classes for grad school and am five weeks in. I have 100 percents in both of them. I'm learning and growing in my position at work and I have a group of friends that are my support system. Writing this paragraph caused me to tear up, but from happiness. From pure joy. I can see the brightside of things, for real. I used to pretend to be happy, I am known to always smile, but my smile now reflects how I feel.
This weekend I had an amazing [mini] road trip with my roommate. We went to Orlando to see Ellie Goulding and her show was at UCF - my alma mater. I was able to show one of my closest friends where I spent almost five years of my life and show her some of my favorite things about the campus. This even included making her take a picture of me in front of my sorority house (Go Theta!). I was able to show her a part of my life that I am so proud of. That despite everything that was happening, that I was able to get through it. I was able to show her my strength.
So, it was so much more than just a road trip to see Ellie Goulding. But also, Ellie was amazing. Absolutely stunning and one of the best shows that I have ever seen. The way she spoke to the crowd and performed, to how beautiful she sang. I was able to take in everything and not be silently worrying or be dealing with sadness. Instead, I was just full of excitement and happiness.
Even with rough days now, I know that I can get through it and thinking back to big milestones like this weekend helps get me through.
I recently came across one of the best articles about when an empath and narcissist get into a relationship. To finally read something that sorts out what my life was for an eight-year relationship was so monumental for me.
So what did I get out of it? Validation, really. While I started healing months ago, it's obviously not something that happens overnight. I went through the stages of grief, but something I've realized is that I didn't lose him, I lost the perception of who I thought he was. From the article, I got the reassurance that I wasn't crazy or stupid. That I was manipulated and also targeted because of who I am as a person and my successes.
It didn't start off horrible. He wasn't a monster in the beginning, he was charming. It wasn't until years later that he started to really show his true colors. By then, I was hooked. I wanted to fix and help him. I was determined and each obstacle, I overcame to be with him. I was blinded and accepting that and that it wasn't necessarily my fault - some people still don't understand that part, how I could stay with him if he was so abusive - but he hooked me before it got to that point.
I don't really want to dwell on what happened, too much anymore because that gives him power and he has not power over my life anymore. But I'm a firm believer that domestic violence and narcissism go hand-in-hand and that there should not be a stigma of talking about it. I'm not sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about. Because you shouldn't be uncomfortable by the survivor, you should be uncomfortable by the abuser. I shouldn't have felt the need to hide and lie about the abuse, just to save people from judging me. Abuse is real. There isn't a clear picture of someone that is abused or the abuser themselves. It can literally happen to anyone.
For example, I am a bubbly, charismatic person. I smile constantly and as I've told my story, people have literally said, "But how can you look so happy if you went through all of this." Then on the other side, he doesn't look or act like - around other people - a bad person. He comes off as smart, charming and likable. We looked like a great, happy couple. We shared eight years together, how could we possibly have been in a domestically violent relationship? We were so "cute" together. We grew up together.
It happens. And while it is easier to look the other way and pretend like everything was okay, it wasn't. I wasn't okay. The relationship literally almost killed me. Physically by him and mentally by me. Not only did he put my life in danger, but the relationship put me in such a bad place that I thought I wanted to die.
This is reality. It's not easy to talk about. It's not fun or glamorous. But it happened to me and I know that it is happening to others, right at this very moment. And instead of shaming someone, blaming them for staying, I hope that you can realize that the abusive narcissist manipulates the empath for years and creates this bond and cycle that is hard to break. Even if it is broken, it's that much harder to not go back. It can be done, but it needs to be accepted and talked about before survivors are able to leave.
Break the stigma and if you're going through this, if you're in an abusive relationship with a narcissist or if you were, remember to never, ever get back together with them. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but it's the only way to be happy and to gain your freedom back.
