We are never, ever getting back together.

I recently came across one of the best articles about when an empath and narcissist get into a relationship. To finally read something that sorts out what my life was for an eight-year relationship was so monumental for me.

http://tcat.tc/25yFZkM

So what did I get out of it? Validation, really. While I started healing months ago, it's obviously not something that happens overnight. I went through the stages of grief, but something I've realized is that I didn't lose him, I lost the perception of who I thought he was. From the article, I got the reassurance that I wasn't crazy or stupid. That I was manipulated and also targeted because of who I am as a person and my successes.

It didn't start off horrible. He wasn't a monster in the beginning, he was charming. It wasn't until years later that he started to really show his true colors. By then, I was hooked. I wanted to fix and help him. I was determined and each obstacle, I overcame to be with him. I was blinded and accepting that and that it wasn't necessarily my fault - some people still don't understand that part, how I could stay with him if he was so abusive - but he hooked me before it got to that point. 

I don't really want to dwell on what happened, too much anymore because that gives him power and he has not power over my life anymore. But I'm a firm believer that domestic violence and narcissism go hand-in-hand and that there should not be a stigma of talking about it. I'm not sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about. Because you shouldn't be uncomfortable by the survivor, you should be uncomfortable by the abuser. I shouldn't have felt the need to hide and lie about the abuse, just to save people from judging me. Abuse is real. There isn't a clear picture of someone that is abused or the abuser themselves. It can literally happen to anyone. 

For example, I am a bubbly, charismatic person. I smile constantly and as I've told my story, people have literally said, "But how can you look so happy if you went through all of this." Then on the other side, he doesn't look or act like - around other people - a bad person. He comes off as smart, charming and likable. We looked like a great, happy couple. We shared eight years together, how could we possibly have been in a domestically violent relationship? We were so "cute" together. We grew up together. 

It happens. And while it is easier to look the other way and pretend like everything was okay, it wasn't. I wasn't okay. The relationship literally almost killed me. Physically by him and mentally by me. Not only did he put my life in danger, but the relationship put me in such a bad place that I thought I wanted to die. 

This is reality. It's not easy to talk about. It's not fun or glamorous. But it happened to me and I know that it is happening to others, right at this very moment. And instead of shaming someone, blaming them for staying, I hope that you can realize that the abusive narcissist manipulates the empath for years and creates this bond and cycle that is hard to break. Even if it is broken, it's that much harder to not go back. It can be done, but it needs to be accepted and talked about before survivors are able to leave. 

Break the stigma and if you're going through this, if you're in an abusive relationship with a narcissist or if you were, remember to never, ever get back together with them. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but it's the only way to be happy and to gain your freedom back. 

We are never, ever, ever getting back together. 

Like, ever. 

Something Good Can Work.

The month of May has historically sucked for me. For the last few years, a major negative event has taken place. But this May, after removing myself from a toxic relationship and learning about myself, it was a month filled with friends, fun and happiness. 

Yes, happiness. And it really made me reflect on how much I let one person hurt me which made a major impact on my life. By rejecting that negativity and standing up for myself, my life has changed. For the first time in years, I'm happy. I've done a lot of research on happiness. As someone who battles both depression and anxiety, especially during a long-term and abusive relationship, I always wanted to simply be happy. Which was an uphill battle for me. 

I would be consumed with sadness. All of the time. But by learning about options, I've finally found it. Just want to be clear, I do not solely blame another person. While his abuse did not help and in a lot of cases increased anxiety, my body also has a chemically imbalance. 

Ooooh, chemical imbalance. I know that basically sounds like "crazy" but that couldn't be farther from the truth. 

"Major depression is a disease that impacts approximately 5% of people globally. For over 30 years, scientists believed that monoamines– mood-related chemicals such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine– are low in the brain during major depressive episodes. This is commonly referred to as a 'chemical imbalance'" according to PsychCentral. 

Because of who I was sharing my life with and this chemical imbalance, I was extremely self-conscious and just didn't have any hope left. There were both something that I felt ashamed of. I was in a relationship for eight years with an abuser and I also battled depression. Both of those things, domestic violence and mental illness, are still considered taboo to talk about. So much so that I felt like I had to stay with him because I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. 

This went on for years. Hiding what was really happening, how I was really feeling. I overcompensated with humor and smiles. "How could someone that is always smiling and laughing possibly be depressed?" 

It's how I coped and survived the darkness. But then something changed. While walking away from someone I loved was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I gained my freedom. 

That was in November. And while I was a wreck for a while, I thought about the new opportunities I had. I wasn't constantly being bashed or worrying about being physically or verbally abused. I was able to get to know myself. I was able to learn and understand domestic violence and mental illness. How they overlap and how to heal. 

The depression and anxiety didn't just go away on its own - and isn't "cured". There isn't actually a cure for either, there are only options that help. I have been able to focus on myself and what was best for me, though. Counseling, meditation, friends and medicine. Those are the things that have worked for me and I will continue to grow and figure out how to maintain my happiness, because everyone deserves to be happy. 

I do still get sad. The elements that I've talked about aren't magic. But I don't get sad like I did before. I can go walk on the beach, write, meditate or simply call one of my friends. They have been my support system, which was something I didn't have before. While they might not always understand depression, they know that what I'm feeling is very real. This means the world. It's really weird to think back to just six months ago. Where I was at and who I was with in my life. 

So this post was for me and my life is for me, but it was also for others that might be struggling with these issues. While it makes most people uncomfortable to hear about domestic violence or mental illness, I'm not going to stay quiet. I know what it's like to do that, to stay in a bad relationship because you're afraid to leave, to be asking yourself why you're even alive and I hope to make more people aware of these topics so that less people will ever go through what I did. Because even the person that looks happy can be fighting for their life, internally or externally. That doesn't make us victims, either. It makes us survivors. 

Things have changed. I have changed, and finally have what I want. 

Let's get this started girl

We're moving up, we're moving up

It's been a lot to change

But you will always get what you want