Born to Love You.

Happy birthday to the love of my life. Dalton, I know you don’t like to be called out but I wanted to dedicate a blog post to you. Don’t worry, I don’t have a large following. 

A year ago this weekend you asked if you could kiss me. Thinking back, it’s so funny to remember the nervousness I felt and just navigating the transition from friends to partners. That’s what you are to me, my partner (in light crime). 

This is just a short little post letting you know how much you mean to me. That I'm thankful to have you in my life and excited to be celebrating you. You are such a good man and you are so good to me. Every day I'm reminded how lucky I am to have you. I can also say you're one of a kind. From your sense of humor to the way you think, I have never met anyone like you.

My blog theme, if you will, is not just about writing. It's about tying in songs to help express my emotions, as well. This post proved especially difficult to narrow down the song but I went with the one that spoke to me the most. Here's to celebrating life's milestones and events together.  Oh and I love you, more.

I was born to love you, I was born to love you

Looking in your eyes, yeah it's all so clear

Every time you smile, I know why I'm here

Wherever I go and whatever I do

I was born to love you, I was born to love you

Scars to Your Beautiful.

Last year I wrote about the misconception of "what depression looks like." When I heard the news of Kate Spade's untimely death, my heart sank and was reminded that mental illness doesn't have a type. It can affect anyone, anytime.

This was a strong, smart and talented woman that inspired those around her. It seemed she had everything, from the outside looking in. That's the thing about mental illness. It's an internal struggle. It also doesn't discriminate. No matter your age, gender, race, income or education, you have an equal opportunity chance to be fighting your own mind.

I looked up to Kate. I loved who she was as a person. Her designs, style, everything. Not just on a level of obsessing over her purses - trust, I did - but about her message and encouragement.

To Live Colorfully.

To Be Bright, Be Happy, Be You.

That I'm Quick and Curious and Playful and Strong.

That I Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever I Go.

Unfortunately, Kate lost her life to suicide. It's a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that it doesn't feel temporary, first-hand. That it feels like there is no other choice. It hurts my heart that another beautiful soul is gone, but my hope is that it brings even more awareness to the stigma of mental illness. 

That we place just as big of an emphasis on mental health as physical health. That we learn to understand that people struggling don't always look or seem like they are. Hopefully, we can get to the point where we ask our friends and family about how they're doing - and mean it. That while discussing any illness can make us uncomfortable that we would rather be uncomfortable talking about it now rather than talking about another preventable death later.

Rest in peace, Kate. I'm so sorry that you were carrying such a big burden. 

And there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark
You should know you're beautiful just the way you are
And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

How Far I'll Go.

It has been two years, today, since I started needed this blog. I felt alone. Depressed. Anxious. Hurt. I honestly didn't know how I would make it out of what seemed to be a bottomless pit. Reading some of it, where my head was at, how I was feeling makes my stomach sink. But, little by little, I grew and learned how to cope and deal with things from my past. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days, but I'm a different person now.

You hear the clichés. Oh, you'll be fine. You'll get through this. Time heals all wounds. Just be patient. You don't realize the small changes being made. The strength you're gaining as you move on. Certain days, it felt like I was back at square one. But now, looking at obstacles that I overcame, I see myself differently. I am different. (I may have also learned to lean on Pinterest quotes/memes as reminders to keep my head up. Example below.)

Something I struggle with is negative thoughts. I know that it's part of both my depression and anxiety, but it seeps into memories that I have. There were good times, but the traumatizing ones outshine it. Recently, I've actively worked on remembering the good. It's hard work, sometimes, but it helps, too.

I had fun memories and was blessed in many ways with my childhood. I did a lot growing up and while there was always a shadow and things that went wrong, I know that every single thing I've gone through or done has sculpted the woman I've become.

For a long time, I thought that I couldn't do this on my own. But when I took the time to focus on myself and my actual needs, it turned out that I like myself. That I'm stronger than I could have ever imagined. Broken pieces started healing. I felt whole again. Now, I have my own apartment, a partner who I love, a great job with people who I cherish and have built true friendships with some amazing ladies. None of this came easy, but it's where I am now. I'm also hella thankful for those who supported me along the way.

I still have a lot to learn, but I can't wait to see the progress I continue to make over the next few years.

The line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me 

And no one knows, how far it goes 

If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me 

One day I'll know, how far I'll go