Survivor.

I'm afraid of abandonment. From a young age, I believed that neither of my parents wanted me because they chose drugs over my sisters and I. These people that are supposed to love me unconditionally chose substances over me. While growing up, I carried this fear with me and I'm sure that it had to do with me finding someone that was abusive and not capable of love. 

It was like "Fragile" or "Vulnerable" were written on my forehead. I was broken from years of hurt, so I found and accepted someone who also dealt with pain. Someone that didn't know how to love anyone. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved because I thought that no one could possibily love me. I mean, if my own parents didn't, why or how could anyone else?

I was loyal and stayed with this person, because he also made me believe that this was true. That no one else could possibly love me. That he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Granted, I know deep down that he was also raised to not feel loved. Having a father that left him and a mother that chose herself and alcohol over him. But at some point, you have to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Continuing the cycle of putting me down and making me feel worthless made him feel better, which isn't acceptable.

It took me years to know and believe that I wasn't the problem. With my parents or with my ex. I couldn't have done anything else to fix them or to make them choose me over their drug of choice. It wasn't my job to clean up the mess that my ex's childhood and upbringing was.

How I know that he still wants to hurt me is that he will "pop" up every couple of months. Causing me anxiety, panic and breakdowns. I'm better at handling these situations as they come up, but they still make me want to scream. Him doing this, when he has another girl in his life, when he knows I'm moving on, when it's been two years, is frustrating. I know that silence is the only thing he deserves, but then I feel like I'm also silenced. That what I want to get off of my chest will just give him happiness. That he'll know he's affecting me and that is exactly what he wants.

All I can do is to make peace with this. To know that I can't try to understand why he does what he does, because there's no logic to it. He's unhappy with his life and himself, so he wants me to suffer, too. Even though I'm not with him. It's ironic too. I would have settled with him. Trying to clean up his mess. Trying to show him love. But when I stopped and walked away, he continued to reach out and hurt me. Whenever a few months goes by, when I'm finally thinking that it's stopped - the texting, calls, driving to my apartment when he's drunk - happens again.

My peace comes from knowing that I did everything that I could. That I gave him everything that I had. That even though I had my own baggage, I took his on too. For years, I needed him. Or needed the person that he said he was. The person that said he was on my team. That we were family. That he loved and supported me. But those were all lies. And yes, people say not to need others, but we're human. We're biologically built to need others. While I'm stronger and independent now, I still need my friends and support system to be there for me. But at least now I don't need him. I don't need anyone that doesn't appreciate me or value who I am as a person.

While this time he violated my privacy by driving to my apartment, I know that it has nothing to do with me. I know that he's messed up and that I'm finally at complete peace. I've left him in my past, where he belongs. I've moved on. I'm talking to someone now and thanks to my ex, I know what I don't want out of a partner. I deserve someone who cares about me and treats me right.

By not letting him get the best of me, I've made room in my life for good people. Those that love and value me. I'm better off without someone who doesn't respect me and I'm choosing to not give any more of my time or energy to him. I no longer consider myself broken or damaged goods.

I know what you're doing. Contacting me every couple of months to make sure that I'm thinking about you. Trust me when I say, I don't think about you anymore. This is the last time you'll get any attention from me, and this is just because I need to let everything out. I won't say these things to you, directly. You don't deserve them. Instead, you deserve my silence and now that's all you'll ever get.
So boy, bye. 

Now that you're out of my life, I'm so much better

You thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm stronger

You thought that I'd be broke without you, but I'm richer

You thought that I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder

Thought I wouldn't grow without you, now I'm wiser

Thought that I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter