1-800-273-8255.

Throughout the last week, I was hit with an intense depressive episode. For me, I try to be as proactive as I can be when I feel the symptoms. But, depression is an isolating illness. While the logical part of me is saying, "Your friends will understand. It's okay to speak up and reach out for help," the depression is in the back of my mind saying, "No one understands. Everyone thinks you're crazy and worthless. They'll leave you." It's an illness that makes you push people away when you really need them the most because I am terrified that my depression will ruin my relationships.

It's easier to be proactive when you're not in an episode. If I'm feeling slight symptoms, I can manage and cope with them. But when it's this deep, it's like I can't turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. For those that have never had depression, it's something that can't be understood. I've been told that I'm just feeling sad and that everyone gets sad. But the thing is, depression isn't just sadness. I feel it physically and mentally.

When you lose someone or are going through a difficult time in life, whether that be losing a job or going through a breakup, it's normal to be sad and grieve. But, when you feel like you've been consumed by a dark cloud, when everything is going right in your life, that's not normal.

I feel guilty. I know that I should be happy right now. I just accomplished graduate school. And yet, finishing school is a trigger for me. If I'm not in school anymore, what am I doing with my life now?

It's like I'm conflicted between knowing that I should feel okay and what I'm actually feeling. I have a job. I have a life. I have friends. I've moved on. I earned my Master's degree. And yet, I can be found on the bathroom floor crying uncontrollably for no reason.

Again, this symptom then makes me feel guilty, stupid, and honestly quite pathetic. I have no reason to cry, but I do. I have no reason to be unhappy, but I'm filled with dread and uncertainty of how I'll manage the pain I'm feeling each day, hour, minute. Until it passes. Until the episode is over. But for those that suffer from depression, it doesn't feel like it will end. It feels like you're trapped and have a tremendous amount of weight on your shoulders. It feels like an eternity.

Depression isn't sadness. It's a war in within your mind. It doesn't discriminate against who it affects. It doesn't matter your age, race, gender or social status. Medicine and self-care (meditation, counseling, hobbies) help manage the symptoms. I know that first-hand. I haven't had this type of episode since last year, and each time it's like I forget that it does end. That I'm strong and can make it through it. Depression takes away your drive to succeed. It makes you feel weak.

I'm holding on. And I'm trying. I'm fighting not to succumb to the darkness. But I need patience surrounding me because I need extra love and support right now.

If you're also fighting depression, stay strong. You're not alone. I know that each episode feels like a relapse, but recovery isn't a linear path. We have ups and our downs. Give them hell.

The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow

But I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna cry anymore