Face Down.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While it hurts my heart to know that on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S., I also know that the stigma is slowly fading.

Don't get me wrong, it's still here. There are still people out there that blame the victim. That say they deserve it because they stayed. But awareness is helping break this stigma. 

People that know me know that I am passionate about baseball, cats and pizza, but I'm also a huge supporter for mental health and domestic violence awareness. These two uncomfortable topics were part of my every day life for eight years. Walking away was the hardest thing I've had to do, but it saved my life. 

So here is what I have to say: It's not okay if your partner physically or mentally abuses you. It's not okay for others to judge or blame you for your partner's abuse. It is not okay if your partner puts you down and hurts you so badly that you wish you were dead. It is not your job to fix them or protect them from getting into trouble. It is your job to get help. It's hard. SO hard. But there is help and you are not alone. 

My favorite line when I opened up to others about domestic violence was, "What? He's so nice. He would never do that." Because abusers supposedly look a certain way. But something I learned from both experience and research is that abusers know what they're doing. They know how to hide the abuse from others. They're good at manipulating not only you, but friends and family around you. They can be attractive, charming, hold a good job and be well-educated. 

My abuser was my high school sweetheart. I loved him so much that I stayed with him for eight years. I hoped and prayed he would change. That he wouldn't physically or mentally abuse me anymore. That because I didn't call the cops, because I protected him and hid the bruises and marks that he would love me enough to change. That was never going to happen though. Last year, I had enough. I realized that if I stayed, he would either kill me himself or would push me to suicide. While he made me out to be a crazy girlfriend, I know who he really is. That he is not who he pretends to be. I know that he hit me and mentally abused me and that I did not deserve that. 

So here I am, a lot of blood, sweat and tears later, successfully living a happy life. 

Please don't be afraid if you're in an abusive relationship. Know that there are resources to help. Know that while some won't understand what you're going through, others will. You are loved. You are enough and you do NOT deserve to be hurt. 

#DVAM #SupportSurvivors

Do you feel like a man

When you push her around?

Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?

Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's got to end

As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

Face down in the dirt

She said "This doesn't hurt!"

She said "I finally had enough!"

Still Waiting. & The Hell Song.

Negativity is part our of world and culture. It's easier for us to complain than to share our joys. But I'm through with that. Yes, I'm still human and will have hiccups, but I am consciously making an effort to not only be nice to others, but to myself as well.

I'm the type of person that will say sorry even when someone else did something wrong. In an argument or even when someone walks into me. But then I am ruthless towards myself. I strongly believe that when my thoughts are aligned positivity, that I can then share it with the world.

To help my self-love adventure and lifestyle change, I bought a mini white board and have committed to writing a positive affirmation about myself each day for a month. So far I have noticed that it helps improve my energy and happiness when I wake up. 

I may not stop over-apologizing, but I will stop being so hard on myself. Forgiveness when I mess up and continuing to put my best foot forward. 

Recently I saw Sum 41's "Don't Call it a Sum-back" tour in Orlando. It was the first show in 10+ years as the lead singer, Deryck, struggled with addiction. Now you may be thinking, what does punk rock have to do with self love and even with what I'm talking about. But Deryck explained, "It’s no secret that the world doesn’t get along and there’s all this hatred. It’s everything to do with how this world functions." 

Some may see this as we're up against the world, but to really fix what is going on, we have to start with ourselves. 

"If you correct the inside, the rest of your life will fall into place," Lao Tzu. 

But wait, there's more. For this post, I couldn't really decide between two of Sum 41 songs. The second really relates to accepting things as they are. That you can't change the events that happen, but you can control your reactions. It's semi-ironic that this band and their songs resonate so deeply to me. My ex is actually the one that really introduced me to them. Well, he played their albums in the car and I just listened. And now, I really appreciate their journey and how far they've come. 

So tell me what would you say

I'd say its up, to me

So am I still waiting

For this world to stop hating

Everybody's got their problems 

Everybody says the same things to you 

It's just a matter how you solve them

And knowing how to change the things you've been through

Titanium.

Hi, my name is Ashleigh and I'm an over-sharer. I guess with my blog it's pretty obvious. But I really do over-share. I know this about myself, as do my friends and those around me. They're used to it by now. But I wasn't always one. I used to hide my feelings and had a great weight on my chest of holding onto secrets.

I have been in a lot of pain in my life. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a victim. But I do know and accept that I have been through a lot. I strongly believed that I was not able to talk to anyone about the pain. That friends and family wouldn't love me or want to be around me if I shared how I felt. Then I opened up to one person, my ex. Because he is a classified narcissist, who has been through his own pain and took a different path with handling it, he used my pain against me and as a result I had extremely low self-esteem and self-worth. I relied on him. Solely. And I did not want to talk to anyone else, because when I did open up, I did to the wrong person.

I think about this a lot. Apparently, from talking to peers and researching, people don't want to hear about domestic abuse, or sufferings. They don't want to hear about mental health. But I don't care. I will never hide my feelings or hurt again. I stayed in an abusive relationship that nearly killed me, because I was afraid to speak up and to get help. Never again. So I might make people uncomfortable. But if my over-sharing reaches even just one person that is going through what I went through, and gives them strength to reach out to someone, then I will make people uncomfortable like it's my job. 

Going off of my over-sharing tendencies, I have gone into no-contact with my ex. Blocking him from every form of social media and his phone number. When he has reached out to me with a new number and I realize it's him, I block that number too. It's not easy. Sometimes I wonder about him and want him to reach out to me. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at him. But it wouldn't do any good. So how do I get out those emotions? Blogging. And I'm sharing what I want to say to him, so that if someone reads this, they know they're not alone. That there are outlets to talk. That you can share what you feel and be heard. I am heard. My thoughts and feelings matter.

And I refuse to hold onto any negative thoughts or emotions as I am happy now. I never want to get sucked back into communication with him. I'm getting out the bad emotions by sharing. I never want to be mentally or physically abused. So below is what I would want to say to him, but won't give him the satisfaction of responding to him.

To my ex:

I forgive you. I blamed you for a lot, when everything that you put me through actually made me strong and fiercely independent. I know that I was too strong to break. That I'm a survivor.

I know that you loved me. That you will always love me in your distorted way, but you can't be in my life ever again. I deserve more and you helped me see that. You helped me to see how truly amazing I am, that I deserve someone that appreciates me and that you did not deserve the love that I gave you. I cannot fix you. You hurt me. Physically and mentally. For years. I tried to take my life because of how worthless your actions and words made me feel. But I fought through it, I know my worth and I'm genuinely happy. You letting me go was the best thing you ever did for me and you no longer have any power over me.

You were right. You would tell me that I could beat this. That I was strong enough and while those around me would bring me down or didn't understand what I was going through, I did it. I survived. It's a continued battle, and I do suffer from depression still, but my life has gotten so much better. I'm happy and I thank you for your part in my journey. I want to thank you for leaving, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have been happy or built relationships with those around me. In all honesty, I truly believe if you hadn't left, that I wouldn't still be alive. So thank you and leave me the fuck alone. 

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

Send my love.

If you have not listened to Adele's new song, skip reading the copy part of the blog, scroll down to the end and watch the video.

I'm serious. It's just fantastic. I highly recommend it, if you couldn't tell.

Anyways, I don't want to get the song confused with why I'm writing today. While the song is amazing, it ties into my thoughts and feelings a tad differently than what the meaning of the song actually is. For the song, it's about a breakup and about moving on. Which I do relate to. But in a deeper meaning. That's where I am in my life. Not just from being moved on from my ex, but from relationships (this includes friendships) in general that are toxic, or that have just become negative.

I met with a close friend recently. While we have different ideas and life paths right now, we are still close. I know that I can call her when I need her and she'll be there for me and vice versa. That's what I need in my life. People I can trust and love, unconditionally, but with guidelines. I know if I do something stupid, she'll call me out on it. If something doesn't seem right in her life, I voice my thoughts. But it comes from love. We're adults, and relationship dynamics change. Unfortunately, that means some people can't continue to be in your life.

The talk from her helped me realize that other relationships I might be fighting for, might not be worth it. And I've had to think long and hard about it. Not to say people don't make mistakes. We all do, and I'm very forgiving. But it's to the point that it can be a weakness of mine. I'm learning, to continue to be forgiving - as it is in my personality - but to also not be a door mat.

I've made a promise to myself to move on from relationships that are no longer healthy. To respect myself enough to realize if someone else isn't trying, that I can't try to make up for it.

It's a short one today, but something I felt the need to write. I've moved on from the most toxic relationship of my life, with my ex, and will continue to value myself enough to walk about from any type of relationship that is negative.

I'm giving you up

I've forgiven it all

You set me free-ee

We gotta let go of all of our ghosts

We both know we ain't kids no more

Pretty Little Girl.

I have a theme going. Sometimes I pick a song that pairs with what I want to write. Other times, the song comes to me and is my inspiration. Today's post is the latter. While preparing for the blink-182 concert (ONE DAY) the song Pretty Little Girl came on. Some of the lyrics really resonated with me and something that I've been thinking about.

Can we learn to get by if we learn to have scars

If we learn to forgive and accept who we are

I watched a documentary last night, Tony Robbins' I Am Not Your Guru, that tied in with these lyrics. Something that hit me was that people in my life have hurt me and I've blamed them for that pain and suffering, but I hadn't "blamed" them for making me the person that I am today. Had my parents been wonderful, had they not been drug addicts, how would I have had the drive and determination to not be like them? How would I have known what not to do? 

I blamed my abandonment issues on them, too. Which is fair and normal, when you're young. But I'm an adult now. I am 25 years old and I am a functioning, healthy adult. I blamed them for being in an abusive relationship. For thinking that I didn't deserved to be loved. But even that relationship has molded me into the strong woman I am. 

I'm not weak. I have gone through hell and back, faced so many obstacles, and I'm still standing. I'm not just existing either, I'm living my life, happily. I am a strong, independent woman that is full of love and am capable of being loved. That deserves love. I was not handed anything in my life. Not to say others do not have it worse, just to say that my life has not been easy. But I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have a support system of friends and family, I have an incredible job that I am so proud of, I have a 4.0 GPA going into my third semester of graduate school. I am me. And I have forgiven those that have hurt me and put me through hell, because without them I would not have learned how to overcome obstacles. 

If I'm going to blame them for the pain and suffering, I have to blame them helping me become who I am, and I am thankful for that. I have learned that the best people in life have been through hell. They're the best people because they know what it's like to be treated badly, to experience pain and they learned how to keep going. I admire their strength. I admire my own strength. 

Wait a minute hold up a second

Don't leave me here with this feeling

Like I'm the one full of regret

Like I never did good for us both

Lay Me Down.

Reggae/Hip Hop music on repeat. That's what I have been listening to for the last week. But can you blame me? There really isn't any other way to road trip to Key West.

I had a much needed vacation and I was able to get away away from "adulting" for just a little bit.

Before leaving, I had a lot on my plate. Finishing up finals and just a lot going on at work. I also had personal things that I just needed to get sorted out. But that's exactly what happened. I took the time that I deserved to relax and enjoy life, with friends that I love.

It's funny - sort of - how we grow up learning to just accept being busy. That we should feel guilty for taking time for ourselves, but something I've had to teach myself is that vacations, whether it's a big or small one, keep us sane. This is another reason why I am thankful for my job. My team understands this for each of us, that we need a break and breathers, that mental health is just as important as physical health. We work hard, but we also need to rest hard. Makes sense, right?

This really resonated with me as I was reading in Key West...in a hammock on the beach. Talk about zen. But my mind wandered a bit and I just thought about how much work, school and life gets to us. How we can cheat ourselves out of happiness just by being focused on achieving that happiness. Instead of letting it be. I am all for hard work, trust me. I have worked my butt off in everything that I have ever done and will continue to do so, but I made a vow to myself, in that hammock, to not lose myself in the process.

Things come, things go. But choosing to treat ourselves the way we deserves allows for so much good to be brought into our lives. I stress about stress. It's who I am. I push myself and excel under pressure, but that's not healthy. I should not push myself to a breaking point because I think I have to and neither should you.

Again, I'm not saying to take a vacation to the Keys every time you're feeling stressed (bummer), but knowing that you deserve rest and peace will make life easier.

Upon returning the the real world, I found out that I ended my second semester of grad school with two A's and that work picked up just where I left it. The world did not crash and burn because I took a break. Everything worked out and was handled. The only difference is that I feel better. Mentally. I just needed a break.

There ain't no place I'd rather be

I'm talking bout right here, right now

That's all I need

Beautiful Soul.

So many things going on. First off, it's Thursday so you know my blog post for today has to be somewhat Throwback related (see the associated song below). Anyways, I have so much going on. From an increasing workload to finishing up my finals for school, then trying to have a social life, things just get hectic and as any normal human, I get overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed leads to frustration and perhaps grumpiness. But I was reminded this week of how toxic stress can be, how I need to focus on the good and take everything that comes to me with peace. The first reminder was when I was with some friends. A friend of a friend came up to me and told me that I had a beautiful soul and that it radiated from me. That my energy was positive and that she just could tell who I am as a person. Woah, right? It was pretty meaningful to me. Here I am stressed about life, focusing on negativity, and a stranger could see past that and the good within me. It really made me stop for a second and think about the importance of what vibes I'm giving off, not just to those around me, but for myself.

It's proven that when you think happy, you are happy. Positivity goes a long way. It may sound cliche or even stupid to some, but I totally believe it and have noticed significant changes in my mood and relationships when I come at situations with hope and positivity.

Disclaimer: That is not to say that depressed people should just "think happy thoughts." It's more of a reminder that along with medicine or other coping skills, we need to continue to try our hardest to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Depression and other mental illnesses are totally real and cannot just be wished away. But, radiating positivity helps bring peace and happiness to our souls. 

But we all have our off days. It's just that during those times, I want to continue to remind myself that it's just a bad day, not a bad life. That I am a happy person and I want that happiness to shine through me. Positive things happen to me and I accept those things as I deserve happiness.

The next little reminder came to me yesterday. I was leaving work and someone in a leadership position told me how the bright and positive attitude that I give off shows within my work. That my enthusiasm makes a difference and that he has taken notice of the growth I've had while working with the company. He actually said that my growth is a model to other employees around me.

Again, woah. I heard things that I needed to be reminded of. That I am exactly where I should be and that I am a good person. That my personality and who I am might be hard to keep up with sometimes, but that I can bring happiness to those around me.

So, even if you're grumpy or having a bad day, push through and focus on positivity and the days ahead. Things can come at you, but overcoming them takes a positive mindset and will make all the difference. Be a beautiful soul. 

I don't want another pretty face

I don't want just anyone to hold

I don't want my love to go to waste

I want you and your beautiful soul