Happy birthday to the love of my life. Dalton, I know you don’t like to be called out but I wanted to dedicate a blog post to you. Don’t worry, I don’t have a large following. A year ago this weekend you asked if you could kiss me. Thinking back, it’s so funny to remember the nervousness I felt and just navigating the transition from friends to partners. That’s what you are to me, my partner (in light crime).
This is just a short little post letting you know how much you mean to me. That I'm thankful to have you in my life and excited to be celebrating you. You are such a good man and you are so good to me. Every day I'm reminded how lucky I am to have you. I can also say you're one of a kind. From your sense of humor to the way you think, I have never met anyone like you.
My blog theme, if you will, is not just about writing. It's about tying in songs to help express my emotions, as well. This post proved especially difficult to narrow down the song but I went with the one that spoke to me the most. Here's to celebrating life's milestones and events together. Oh and I love you, more.
Last year I wrote about the misconception of "what depression looks like." When I heard the news of Kate Spade's untimely death, my heart sank and was reminded that mental illness doesn't have a type. It can affect anyone, anytime.
This was a strong, smart and talented woman that inspired those around her. It seemed she had everything, from the outside looking in. That's the thing about mental illness. It's an internal struggle. It also doesn't discriminate. No matter your age, gender, race, income or education, you have an equal opportunity chance to be fighting your own mind.
I looked up to Kate. I loved who she was as a person. Her designs, style, everything. Not just on a level of obsessing over her purses - trust, I did - but about her message and encouragement.
To Live Colorfully.
To Be Bright, Be Happy, Be You.
That I'm Quick and Curious and Playful and Strong.
That I Leave A Little Sparkle Wherever I Go.
Unfortunately, Kate lost her life to suicide. It's a permanent solution to temporary problems. I know that it doesn't feel temporary, first-hand. That it feels like there is no other choice. It hurts my heart that another beautiful soul is gone, but my hope is that it brings even more awareness to the stigma of mental illness.
That we place just as big of an emphasis on mental health as physical health. That we learn to understand that people struggling don't always look or seem like they are. Hopefully, we can get to the point where we ask our friends and family about how they're doing - and mean it. That while discussing any illness can make us uncomfortable that we would rather be uncomfortable talking about it now rather than talking about another preventable death later.
Rest in peace, Kate. I'm so sorry that you were carrying such a big burden.
And there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark You should know you're beautiful just the way you are And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful
It has been two years, today, since I started needed this blog. I felt alone. Depressed. Anxious. Hurt. I honestly didn't know how I would make it out of what seemed to be a bottomless pit. Reading some of it, where my head was at, how I was feeling makes my stomach sink. But, little by little, I grew and learned how to cope and deal with things from my past. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days, but I'm a different person now.
You hear the clichés. Oh, you'll be fine. You'll get through this. Time heals all wounds. Just be patient. You don't realize the small changes being made. The strength you're gaining as you move on. Certain days, it felt like I was back at square one. But now, looking at obstacles that I overcame, I see myself differently. I am different. (I may have also learned to lean on Pinterest quotes/memes as reminders to keep my head up. Example below.)
Something I struggle with is negative thoughts. I know that it's part of both my depression and anxiety, but it seeps into memories that I have. There were good times, but the traumatizing ones outshine it. Recently, I've actively worked on remembering the good. It's hard work, sometimes, but it helps, too.
I had fun memories and was blessed in many ways with my childhood. I did a lot growing up and while there was always a shadow and things that went wrong, I know that every single thing I've gone through or done has sculpted the woman I've become.
For a long time, I thought that I couldn't do this on my own. But when I took the time to focus on myself and my actual needs, it turned out that I like myself. That I'm stronger than I could have ever imagined. Broken pieces started healing. I felt whole again. Now, I have my own apartment, a partner who I love, a great job with people who I cherish and have built true friendships with some amazing ladies. None of this came easy, but it's where I am now. I'm also hella thankful for those who supported me along the way.
I still have a lot to learn, but I can't wait to see the progress I continue to make over the next few years.
I'm afraid of abandonment. From a young age, I believed that neither of my parents wanted me because they chose drugs over my sisters and I. These people that are supposed to love me unconditionally chose substances over me. While growing up, I carried this fear with me and I'm sure that it had to do with me finding someone that was abusive and not capable of love.
It was like "Fragile" or "Vulnerable" were written on my forehead. I was broken from years of hurt, so I found and accepted someone who also dealt with pain. Someone that didn't know how to love anyone. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved because I thought that no one could possibily love me. I mean, if my own parents didn't, why or how could anyone else?
I was loyal and stayed with this person, because he also made me believe that this was true. That no one else could possibly love me. That he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Granted, I know deep down that he was also raised to not feel loved. Having a father that left him and a mother that chose herself and alcohol over him. But at some point, you have to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Continuing the cycle of putting me down and making me feel worthless made him feel better, which isn't acceptable.
It took me years to know and believe that I wasn't the problem. With my parents or with my ex. I couldn't have done anything else to fix them or to make them choose me over their drug of choice. It wasn't my job to clean up the mess that my ex's childhood and upbringing was.
How I know that he still wants to hurt me is that he will "pop" up every couple of months. Causing me anxiety, panic and breakdowns. I'm better at handling these situations as they come up, but they still make me want to scream. Him doing this, when he has another girl in his life, when he knows I'm moving on, when it's been two years, is frustrating. I know that silence is the only thing he deserves, but then I feel like I'm also silenced. That what I want to get off of my chest will just give him happiness. That he'll know he's affecting me and that is exactly what he wants.
All I can do is to make peace with this. To know that I can't try to understand why he does what he does, because there's no logic to it. He's unhappy with his life and himself, so he wants me to suffer, too. Even though I'm not with him. It's ironic too. I would have settled with him. Trying to clean up his mess. Trying to show him love. But when I stopped and walked away, he continued to reach out and hurt me. Whenever a few months goes by, when I'm finally thinking that it's stopped - the texting, calls, driving to my apartment when he's drunk - happens again.
My peace comes from knowing that I did everything that I could. That I gave him everything that I had. That even though I had my own baggage, I took his on too. For years, I needed him. Or needed the person that he said he was. The person that said he was on my team. That we were family. That he loved and supported me. But those were all lies. And yes, people say not to need others, but we're human. We're biologically built to need others. While I'm stronger and independent now, I still need my friends and support system to be there for me. But at least now I don't need him. I don't need anyone that doesn't appreciate me or value who I am as a person.
While this time he violated my privacy by driving to my apartment, I know that it has nothing to do with me. I know that he's messed up and that I'm finally at complete peace. I've left him in my past, where he belongs. I've moved on. I'm talking to someone now and thanks to my ex, I know what I don't want out of a partner. I deserve someone who cares about me and treats me right.
By not letting him get the best of me, I've made room in my life for good people. Those that love and value me. I'm better off without someone who doesn't respect me and I'm choosing to not give any more of my time or energy to him. I no longer consider myself broken or damaged goods.
I know what you're doing. Contacting me every couple of months to make sure that I'm thinking about you. Trust me when I say, I don't think about you anymore. This is the last time you'll get any attention from me, and this is just because I need to let everything out. I won't say these things to you, directly. You don't deserve them. Instead, you deserve my silence and now that's all you'll ever get. So boy, bye.
Now that you're out of my life, I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you, but I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you, I laugh harder
Thought I wouldn't grow without you, now I'm wiser
Thought that I'd be helpless without you, but I'm smarter
With today being World Mental Health Day, I wanted to talk about a trending topic I saw about what depression looks like. Through social media and news, there is a misconception that depression is a dark picture of someone on the ground, with their head clutched in their hands. In reality, that’s not what depression always looks like. I’m usually seen as bubbly and happy by others, even when I’m battling anxiety or a depressive episode.
The topic reminded me how depression can be masked with just a smile.Those with mental health problems don’t always look “depressed”. While I’m doing better than I have been in my entire life, there are still days where I’m struggling without looking like the stereotype of this illness and I’m not the only one. Together, we can raise awareness to support better mental health.
Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
I recently reread my previous post. It felt painful, but also refreshing at the same time. It was raw, and real. Unfiltered. What I really felt as I was going through a depressive episode. As I got back into my life and recovering from the episode, it's hard for me to forget the pain I was feeling. I'm okay - I'm doing better - but that pain is a reminder of the battle I face with depression and anxiety.
I was embarrassed after first writing it. Mostly because I felt that I should be. I mean, what if someone actually reads that and thinks I'm crazy? Then I remembered, I don't care. My depression is a part of me, whether I like it or not. I know that I'm not crazy. The important people in my life know I'm not crazy and anyone that judges me or my illness can suck it.
I'm also not alone. So many people battle these demons and the more that we talk about it, the more we can support each other in our journeys. There are also some positives that come out of these episodes, see below.
I write
I find great comfort in writing. To be able to get out all of the thoughts that are bombarding me. It's therapeutic and makes me feel accomplished. I may not be the best writer - I may not articulate everything I mean, but it's a release that I crave.
I love
My depression and anxiety have shaped me to love harder. I express my emotions for others and connect with my friends and family on a deeper level because of it. I know what it feels like to feel like no one loves or cares about you, so I love my support system extra hard, to make sure they know I'm there for them. This compassion and empathy has lead me to find amazing people in my life. There's no room to be judgmental when you're battling depression. I know as well as anyone that we're all struggling with something. It's better to fight together.
I laugh
Hitting rock bottom can be positive. I mean, there's only one way to go and that's up. I appreciate my good days THAT much more, because I know the stark comparison of what a bad day is like. I'm also self-aware, and use humor to help me cope with my illness. I constantly seek happiness and there's nothing like a good laugh to make someone smile.
I'm driven
Maybe I'm overcompensating because I feel guilty for not wanting to live before, but I work harder because I want to use my full potential. I don't take life for granted. I guess that's a common misconception with depression, too. Others think that depression is selfish, but it's not. I don't want to feel like I want to die. To think that the world would be better off without me. That's just a chemical imbalance that overpowers the logical side of things. But when I've made it through the episode, I know that I'm that much stronger and can accomplish whatever I want to.
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
Throughout the last week, I was hit with an intense depressive episode. For me, I try to be as proactive as I can be when I feel the symptoms. But, depression is an isolating illness. While the logical part of me is saying, "Your friends will understand. It's okay to speak up and reach out for help," the depression is in the back of my mind saying, "No one understands. Everyone thinks you're crazy and worthless. They'll leave you." It's an illness that makes you push people away when you really need them the most because I am terrified that my depression will ruin my relationships.
It's easier to be proactive when you're not in an episode. If I'm feeling slight symptoms, I can manage and cope with them. But when it's this deep, it's like I can't turn off the negative thoughts and feelings. For those that have never had depression, it's something that can't be understood. I've been told that I'm just feeling sad and that everyone gets sad. But the thing is, depression isn't just sadness. I feel it physically and mentally.
When you lose someone or are going through a difficult time in life, whether that be losing a job or going through a breakup, it's normal to be sad and grieve. But, when you feel like you've been consumed by a dark cloud, when everything is going right in your life, that's not normal.
I feel guilty. I know that I should be happy right now. I just accomplished graduate school. And yet, finishing school is a trigger for me. If I'm not in school anymore, what am I doing with my life now?
It's like I'm conflicted between knowing that I should feel okay and what I'm actually feeling. I have a job. I have a life. I have friends. I've moved on. I earned my Master's degree. And yet, I can be found on the bathroom floor crying uncontrollably for no reason.
Again, this symptom then makes me feel guilty, stupid, and honestly quite pathetic. I have no reason to cry, but I do. I have no reason to be unhappy, but I'm filled with dread and uncertainty of how I'll manage the pain I'm feeling each day, hour, minute. Until it passes. Until the episode is over. But for those that suffer from depression, it doesn't feel like it will end. It feels like you're trapped and have a tremendous amount of weight on your shoulders. It feels like an eternity.
Depression isn't sadness. It's a war in within your mind. It doesn't discriminate against who it affects. It doesn't matter your age, race, gender or social status. Medicine and self-care (meditation, counseling, hobbies) help manage the symptoms. I know that first-hand. I haven't had this type of episode since last year, and each time it's like I forget that it does end. That I'm strong and can make it through it. Depression takes away your drive to succeed. It makes you feel weak.
I'm holding on. And I'm trying. I'm fighting not to succumb to the darkness. But I need patience surrounding me because I need extra love and support right now.
If you're also fighting depression, stay strong. You're not alone. I know that each episode feels like a relapse, but recovery isn't a linear path. We have ups and our downs. Give them hell.
The lane I travel feels alone
But I'm moving 'til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
What better time to write your first blog in five months than right before graduation? Yes. That's right. I'll be walking across the stage, at the University of Florida, with a Master of Arts in Mass Communication with a specialization in Social Media degree in less than a week. Oh, and with a 4.0 overall GPA. WHAT, WHAT!
While that is a major accomplishment, what I'm reflecting on instead is that I didn't think I would make it this far. Not just with school, but with life. I struggled for many years with major depressive disorder, anxiety and also being in an abusive relationship. All of this being incredibly isolating. I vividly remember thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore right before my undergrad graduation ceremony. But, things changed. I didn't stay silent anymore and I sought help from those around me.
I know what it's like to believe that you can't make it through another day- or even another hour. I know what it's like to feel worthless and that you don't deserve to be loved or respected. But I also know that those feelings and thoughts can subside. That getting help and speaking up isn't easy, but it could save your life.
No, this isn't a story about pity. Instead, it's about hope and finding the right support to succeed.
To those that struggle with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. To those that are in a toxic or abusive relationship and don't think there is any way out, there is. It's hard, but you can get through it. You can survive and make your dreams come true no matter what you've been through or what you're going through now. Your story isn't over;
I have never loved someone as much as I love my newborn niece, Leighton. I mean seriously. Look at this face:
I know that all around me friends and people that I grew up with are having children. That our timelines and social media feeds can get bombarded with these smiling faces. But I just wanted to reflect on this upcoming generation. They are not born to hate or judge. From the second that they arrive, they love. The purity that they are born with is one of the greatest things about them. While I will not get into politics. I will mention that besides baby pictures, our feeds are filled with arguments and hate. No matter which side you're on, I know that you have emotions and opinions about the other side. Which is your right. Yet look. This is our future generation.
My hope and wish for my niece is that she grows up to love others. That she is a kind and smart. That we teach her right from wrong and above all, she is compassionate. I hope that seeing this generation being born also brings compassion to our hearts. As Leighton's aunt, I feel different. I have this child in my life that I love dearly and have hopes for her as she grows. My life changed with her arrival and I will do anything that I can to teach her love. To show her love. There is so much negatively and bad going on in our world, but then there is this angel. Goodness. I love you, Leighton. I promise to always be there for you and to support you as you continue to grow and learn. To continuously show you the good that is out there. There are still good people in this world and I promise to be one of them.
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
The New Year is right around the corner. With that we make promises of letting go of old habits, challenging ourselves to change and stepping outside of our comfort zones. Someone very important to me is doing just that by making a move that is both scary and exciting. So I'm taking the time to write this not only to reflect on the past year, but to also openly thank her for being...her.
2016 started off bumpy for me. I had just truly ended a part of my life that was causing me pain and suffering. It was the first year, in eight years, that I was going through life "single". But I wasn't alone. I had friends, family and coworkers who continued to support me. Friends and family you may expect - hopefully - but when it comes down to it, we see our coworkers 40+ hours a week and it is so valuable to have a strong support system through them.
So, thank you, for building a work family and team that supports each other (you know who you are). And thank you for being a mentor, leader and friend to me. I am so proud of you for taking a giant leap and making such an adventurous move. I'm taking a note from you and vow to actually keep a resolution of trying new things, learn about who I am as a person and continuing to grow.
I was in a weird place this past January, but over the last year I again learned how strong I can be. That being strong doesn't mean doing everything on your own, instead it can mean reaching out to those around you and knowing when to admit that you need help.
In 2017 I will graduate with my Master's degree, become a first-time aunt and will continue to work on both my mental and physical health. So many people experienced rough patches this year, but we're so much stronger because of those times.
Now, good luck on your next adventure, CR. You're going places & so am I.
Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While it hurts my heart to know that on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S., I also know that the stigma is slowly fading. Don't get me wrong, it's still here. There are still people out there that blame the victim. That say they deserve it because they stayed. But awareness is helping break this stigma.
People that know me know that I am passionate about baseball, cats and pizza, but I'm also a huge supporter for mental health and domestic violence awareness. These two uncomfortable topics were part of my every day life for eight years. Walking away was the hardest thing I've had to do, but it saved my life.
So here is what I have to say: It's not okay if your partner physically or mentally abuses you. It's not okay for others to judge or blame you for your partner's abuse. It is not okay if your partner puts you down and hurts you so badly that you wish you were dead. It is not your job to fix them or protect them from getting into trouble. It is your job to get help. It's hard. SO hard. But there is help and you are not alone.
My favorite line when I opened up to others about domestic violence was, "What? He's so nice. He would never do that." Because abusers supposedly look a certain way. But something I learned from both experience and research is that abusers know what they're doing. They know how to hide the abuse from others. They're good at manipulating not only you, but friends and family around you. They can be attractive, charming, hold a good job and be well-educated.
My abuser was my high school sweetheart. I loved him so much that I stayed with him for eight years. I hoped and prayed he would change. That he wouldn't physically or mentally abuse me anymore. That because I didn't call the cops, because I protected him and hid the bruises and marks that he would love me enough to change. That was never going to happen though. Last year, I had enough. I realized that if I stayed, he would either kill me himself or would push me to suicide. While he made me out to be a crazy girlfriend, I know who he really is. That he is not who he pretends to be. I know that he hit me and mentally abused me and that I did not deserve that.
So here I am, a lot of blood, sweat and tears later, successfully living a happy life.
Please don't be afraid if you're in an abusive relationship. Know that there are resources to help. Know that while some won't understand what you're going through, others will. You are loved. You are enough and you do NOT deserve to be hurt.
#DVAM #SupportSurvivors
Do you feel like a man
When you push her around?
Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's got to end
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.
Negativity is part our of world and culture. It's easier for us to complain than to share our joys. But I'm through with that. Yes, I'm still human and will have hiccups, but I am consciously making an effort to not only be nice to others, but to myself as well.
I'm the type of person that will say sorry even when someone else did something wrong. In an argument or even when someone walks into me. But then I am ruthless towards myself. I strongly believe that when my thoughts are aligned positivity, that I can then share it with the world.
To help my self-love adventure and lifestyle change, I bought a mini white board and have committed to writing a positive affirmation about myself each day for a month. So far I have noticed that it helps improve my energy and happiness when I wake up.
I may not stop over-apologizing, but I will stop being so hard on myself. Forgiveness when I mess up and continuing to put my best foot forward. Recently I saw Sum 41's "Don't Call it a Sum-back" tour in Orlando. It was the first show in 10+ years as the lead singer, Deryck, struggled with addiction. Now you may be thinking, what does punk rock have to do with self love and even with what I'm talking about. But Deryck explained, "It’s no secret that the world doesn’t get along and there’s all this hatred. It’s everything to do with how this world functions." Some may see this as we're up against the world, but to really fix what is going on, we have to start with ourselves. "If you correct the inside, the rest of your life will fall into place," Lao Tzu. But wait, there's more. For this post, I couldn't really decide between two of Sum 41 songs. The second really relates to accepting things as they are. That you can't change the events that happen, but you can control your reactions. It's semi-ironic that this band and their songs resonate so deeply to me. My ex is actually the one that really introduced me to them. Well, he played their albums in the car and I just listened. And now, I really appreciate their journey and how far they've come.
So tell me what would you say
I'd say its up, to me
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Everybody's got their problems
Everybody says the same things to you
It's just a matter how you solve them
And knowing how to change the things you've been through
Hi, my name is Ashleigh and I'm an over-sharer. I guess with my blog it's pretty obvious. But I really do over-share. I know this about myself, as do my friends and those around me. They're used to it by now. But I wasn't always one. I used to hide my feelings and had a great weight on my chest of holding onto secrets.
I have been in a lot of pain in my life. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a victim. But I do know and accept that I have been through a lot. I strongly believed that I was not able to talk to anyone about the pain. That friends and family wouldn't love me or want to be around me if I shared how I felt. Then I opened up to one person, my ex. Because he is a classified narcissist, who has been through his own pain and took a different path with handling it, he used my pain against me and as a result I had extremely low self-esteem and self-worth. I relied on him. Solely. And I did not want to talk to anyone else, because when I did open up, I did to the wrong person.
I think about this a lot. Apparently, from talking to peers and researching, people don't want to hear about domestic abuse, or sufferings. They don't want to hear about mental health. But I don't care. I will never hide my feelings or hurt again. I stayed in an abusive relationship that nearly killed me, because I was afraid to speak up and to get help. Never again. So I might make people uncomfortable. But if my over-sharing reaches even just one person that is going through what I went through, and gives them strength to reach out to someone, then I will make people uncomfortable like it's my job.
Going off of my over-sharing tendencies, I have gone into no-contact with my ex. Blocking him from every form of social media and his phone number. When he has reached out to me with a new number and I realize it's him, I block that number too. It's not easy. Sometimes I wonder about him and want him to reach out to me. Sometimes I want to yell and scream at him. But it wouldn't do any good. So how do I get out those emotions? Blogging. And I'm sharing what I want to say to him, so that if someone reads this, they know they're not alone. That there are outlets to talk. That you can share what you feel and be heard. I am heard. My thoughts and feelings matter.
And I refuse to hold onto any negative thoughts or emotions as I am happy now. I never want to get sucked back into communication with him. I'm getting out the bad emotions by sharing. I never want to be mentally or physically abused. So below is what I would want to say to him, but won't give him the satisfaction of responding to him.
To my ex:
I forgive you. I blamed you for a lot, when everything that you put me through actually made me strong and fiercely independent. I know that I was too strong to break. That I'm a survivor.
I know that you loved me. That you will always love me in your distorted way, but you can't be in my life ever again. I deserve more and you helped me see that. You helped me to see how truly amazing I am, that I deserve someone that appreciates me and that you did not deserve the love that I gave you. I cannot fix you. You hurt me. Physically and mentally. For years. I tried to take my life because of how worthless your actions and words made me feel. But I fought through it, I know my worth and I'm genuinely happy. You letting me go was the best thing you ever did for me and you no longer have any power over me.
You were right. You would tell me that I could beat this. That I was strong enough and while those around me would bring me down or didn't understand what I was going through, I did it. I survived. It's a continued battle, and I do suffer from depression still, but my life has gotten so much better. I'm happy and I thank you for your part in my journey. I want to thank you for leaving, because if you hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have been happy or built relationships with those around me. In all honesty, I truly believe if you hadn't left, that I wouldn't still be alive. So thank you and leave me the fuck alone.
If you have not listened to Adele's new song, skip reading the copy part of the blog, scroll down to the end and watch the video.
I'm serious. It's just fantastic. I highly recommend it, if you couldn't tell.
Anyways, I don't want to get the song confused with why I'm writing today. While the song is amazing, it ties into my thoughts and feelings a tad differently than what the meaning of the song actually is. For the song, it's about a breakup and about moving on. Which I do relate to. But in a deeper meaning. That's where I am in my life. Not just from being moved on from my ex, but from relationships (this includes friendships) in general that are toxic, or that have just become negative.
I met with a close friend recently. While we have different ideas and life paths right now, we are still close. I know that I can call her when I need her and she'll be there for me and vice versa. That's what I need in my life. People I can trust and love, unconditionally, but with guidelines. I know if I do something stupid, she'll call me out on it. If something doesn't seem right in her life, I voice my thoughts. But it comes from love. We're adults, and relationship dynamics change. Unfortunately, that means some people can't continue to be in your life.
The talk from her helped me realize that other relationships I might be fighting for, might not be worth it. And I've had to think long and hard about it. Not to say people don't make mistakes. We all do, and I'm very forgiving. But it's to the point that it can be a weakness of mine. I'm learning, to continue to be forgiving - as it is in my personality - but to also not be a door mat.
I've made a promise to myself to move on from relationships that are no longer healthy. To respect myself enough to realize if someone else isn't trying, that I can't try to make up for it.
It's a short one today, but something I felt the need to write. I've moved on from the most toxic relationship of my life, with my ex, and will continue to value myself enough to walk about from any type of relationship that is negative.
I have a theme going. Sometimes I pick a song that pairs with what I want to write. Other times, the song comes to me and is my inspiration. Today's post is the latter. While preparing for the blink-182 concert (ONE DAY) the song Pretty Little Girl came on. Some of the lyrics really resonated with me and something that I've been thinking about.
Can we learn to get by if we learn to have scars
If we learn to forgive and accept who we are
I watched a documentary last night, Tony Robbins' I Am Not Your Guru, that tied in with these lyrics. Something that hit me was that people in my life have hurt me and I've blamed them for that pain and suffering, but I hadn't "blamed" them for making me the person that I am today. Had my parents been wonderful, had they not been drug addicts, how would I have had the drive and determination to not be like them? How would I have known what not to do?
I blamed my abandonment issues on them, too. Which is fair and normal, when you're young. But I'm an adult now. I am 25 years old and I am a functioning, healthy adult. I blamed them for being in an abusive relationship. For thinking that I didn't deserved to be loved. But even that relationship has molded me into the strong woman I am.
I'm not weak. I have gone through hell and back, faced so many obstacles, and I'm still standing. I'm not just existing either, I'm living my life, happily. I am a strong, independent woman that is full of love and am capable of being loved. That deserves love. I was not handed anything in my life. Not to say others do not have it worse, just to say that my life has not been easy. But I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have a support system of friends and family, I have an incredible job that I am so proud of, I have a 4.0 GPA going into my third semester of graduate school. I am me. And I have forgiven those that have hurt me and put me through hell, because without them I would not have learned how to overcome obstacles.
If I'm going to blame them for the pain and suffering, I have to blame them helping me become who I am, and I am thankful for that. I have learned that the best people in life have been through hell. They're the best people because they know what it's like to be treated badly, to experience pain and they learned how to keep going. I admire their strength. I admire my own strength.
Reggae/Hip Hop music on repeat. That's what I have been listening to for the last week. But can you blame me? There really isn't any other way to road trip to Key West.
I had a much needed vacation and I was able to get away away from "adulting" for just a little bit.
Before leaving, I had a lot on my plate. Finishing up finals and just a lot going on at work. I also had personal things that I just needed to get sorted out. But that's exactly what happened. I took the time that I deserved to relax and enjoy life, with friends that I love.
It's funny - sort of - how we grow up learning to just accept being busy. That we should feel guilty for taking time for ourselves, but something I've had to teach myself is that vacations, whether it's a big or small one, keep us sane. This is another reason why I am thankful for my job. My team understands this for each of us, that we need a break and breathers, that mental health is just as important as physical health. We work hard, but we also need to rest hard. Makes sense, right?
This really resonated with me as I was reading in Key West...in a hammock on the beach. Talk about zen. But my mind wandered a bit and I just thought about how much work, school and life gets to us. How we can cheat ourselves out of happiness just by being focused on achieving that happiness. Instead of letting it be. I am all for hard work, trust me. I have worked my butt off in everything that I have ever done and will continue to do so, but I made a vow to myself, in that hammock, to not lose myself in the process.
Things come, things go. But choosing to treat ourselves the way we deserves allows for so much good to be brought into our lives. I stress about stress. It's who I am. I push myself and excel under pressure, but that's not healthy. I should not push myself to a breaking point because I think I have to and neither should you.
Again, I'm not saying to take a vacation to the Keys every time you're feeling stressed (bummer), but knowing that you deserve rest and peace will make life easier.
Upon returning the the real world, I found out that I ended my second semester of grad school with two A's and that work picked up just where I left it. The world did not crash and burn because I took a break. Everything worked out and was handled. The only difference is that I feel better. Mentally. I just needed a break.
So many things going on. First off, it's Thursday so you know my blog post for today has to be somewhat Throwback related (see the associated song below). Anyways, I have so much going on. From an increasing workload to finishing up my finals for school, then trying to have a social life, things just get hectic and as any normal human, I get overwhelmed.
Being overwhelmed leads to frustration and perhaps grumpiness. But I was reminded this week of how toxic stress can be, how I need to focus on the good and take everything that comes to me with peace. The first reminder was when I was with some friends. A friend of a friend came up to me and told me that I had a beautiful soul and that it radiated from me. That my energy was positive and that she just could tell who I am as a person. Woah, right? It was pretty meaningful to me. Here I am stressed about life, focusing on negativity, and a stranger could see past that and the good within me. It really made me stop for a second and think about the importance of what vibes I'm giving off, not just to those around me, but for myself.
It's proven that when you think happy, you are happy. Positivity goes a long way. It may sound cliche or even stupid to some, but I totally believe it and have noticed significant changes in my mood and relationships when I come at situations with hope and positivity.
Disclaimer: That is not to say that depressed people should just "think happy thoughts." It's more of a reminder that along with medicine or other coping skills, we need to continue to try our hardest to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Depression and other mental illnesses are totally real and cannot just be wished away. But, radiating positivity helps bring peace and happiness to our souls.
But we all have our off days. It's just that during those times, I want to continue to remind myself that it's just a bad day, not a bad life. That I am a happy person and I want that happiness to shine through me. Positive things happen to me and I accept those things as I deserve happiness.
The next little reminder came to me yesterday. I was leaving work and someone in a leadership position told me how the bright and positive attitude that I give off shows within my work. That my enthusiasm makes a difference and that he has taken notice of the growth I've had while working with the company. He actually said that my growth is a model to other employees around me.
Again, woah. I heard things that I needed to be reminded of. That I am exactly where I should be and that I am a good person. That my personality and who I am might be hard to keep up with sometimes, but that I can bring happiness to those around me. So, even if you're grumpy or having a bad day, push through and focus on positivity and the days ahead. Things can come at you, but overcoming them takes a positive mindset and will make all the difference. Be a beautiful soul.
This past weekend I was lucky enough to attend another show. This upcoming weekend, I will also be attending a show. Basically, this year has been all about music and friends for me. Shows I've gone to in 2016 or will be going to this year:
The Struts
Beyoncé
Sunset Music Festival (The Chainsmokers, Zomboy, Borgore, to name a few headliners)
Ellie Goulding
X Ambassadors
The Taste of Chaos Tour (Taking Back Sunday/Dashboard Confessional/Saosin)
Sublime with Rome and Dirty Heads
AWOLNATION
blink-182
Imagine Festival (ATL, GA)
Sum 41
Austin City Limits (Austin, TX)
Okay, so what does this have to do with anything? Music is powerful. It engulfs your memory and evokes emotion. I did not really get how powerful it could be. It's something that you can feel, in your heart. It brings people together, creating strong bonds between those who share these memories.
It not only helps people during bad times, it also reflects good times as well. Happiness and sadness. All emotions. It is said that it is the best solution to any problem. Universally, people agree and believe that. Our hearts have beats, it literally is music in itself.
I'm thankful that music connects with my soul and that I can turn to it when I can't put into words what I feel. No matter what I've felt during the last couple of months. Pain, anger, happiness, I've turned to music and have found myself within it.
I saw the X Ambassadors at 97x's Bud and Burgers event this weekend and was totally impressed with the passion that they performed with. I felt a deep connection to their songs and it made my heart truly happy.
I don't think I write enough. Why do I think that? Well, because when I do finally make time to write, I have a million thoughts running through my mind and it's hard to sort things out sometimes. It's like too much is going on, so I don't even know where to begin.
I guess I'll start off by saying that I have come such a long way with dealing with things that have happened in my life. Even on bad days, there is such a stark difference than where I was just a year before. For example, I felt down today. But I cried for a little, then coped with it and moved on. That is not something I was capable of doing even just eight months ago. I was trapped and could not get out of what felt like a never ending hole.
I've spoken to this point before, but I can't even begin to explain how big of a deal this is to me. That I can feel sadness, but that it no longer controls my life. That I can have flashbacks or memories of my past abusive relationship and while it still hurts, I can take a deep breath and let it go. I am so thankful for this and I know that it is from the help of many things. An antidepressant, my friends and loved ones and from other activities such as writing. From someone that suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, trust me when I say that the episodes feel everlasting. Like nothing will ever change.
But it does change. It does get better. Not to say it is easy, at all. I fought like hell to get to where I am today. I currently am taking two classes for grad school and am five weeks in. I have 100 percents in both of them. I'm learning and growing in my position at work and I have a group of friends that are my support system. Writing this paragraph caused me to tear up, but from happiness. From pure joy. I can see the brightside of things, for real. I used to pretend to be happy, I am known to always smile, but my smile now reflects how I feel.
This weekend I had an amazing [mini] road trip with my roommate. We went to Orlando to see Ellie Goulding and her show was at UCF - my alma mater. I was able to show one of my closest friends where I spent almost five years of my life and show her some of my favorite things about the campus. This even included making her take a picture of me in front of my sorority house (Go Theta!). I was able to show her a part of my life that I am so proud of. That despite everything that was happening, that I was able to get through it. I was able to show her my strength.
So, it was so much more than just a road trip to see Ellie Goulding. But also, Ellie was amazing. Absolutely stunning and one of the best shows that I have ever seen. The way she spoke to the crowd and performed, to how beautiful she sang. I was able to take in everything and not be silently worrying or be dealing with sadness. Instead, I was just full of excitement and happiness.
Even with rough days now, I know that I can get through it and thinking back to big milestones like this weekend helps get me through.
I recently came across one of the best articles about when an empath and narcissist get into a relationship. To finally read something that sorts out what my life was for an eight-year relationship was so monumental for me.
So what did I get out of it? Validation, really. While I started healing months ago, it's obviously not something that happens overnight. I went through the stages of grief, but something I've realized is that I didn't lose him, I lost the perception of who I thought he was. From the article, I got the reassurance that I wasn't crazy or stupid. That I was manipulated and also targeted because of who I am as a person and my successes.
It didn't start off horrible. He wasn't a monster in the beginning, he was charming. It wasn't until years later that he started to really show his true colors. By then, I was hooked. I wanted to fix and help him. I was determined and each obstacle, I overcame to be with him. I was blinded and accepting that and that it wasn't necessarily my fault - some people still don't understand that part, how I could stay with him if he was so abusive - but he hooked me before it got to that point.
I don't really want to dwell on what happened, too much anymore because that gives him power and he has not power over my life anymore. But I'm a firm believer that domestic violence and narcissism go hand-in-hand and that there should not be a stigma of talking about it. I'm not sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about. Because you shouldn't be uncomfortable by the survivor, you should be uncomfortable by the abuser. I shouldn't have felt the need to hide and lie about the abuse, just to save people from judging me. Abuse is real. There isn't a clear picture of someone that is abused or the abuser themselves. It can literally happen to anyone.
For example, I am a bubbly, charismatic person. I smile constantly and as I've told my story, people have literally said, "But how can you look so happy if you went through all of this." Then on the other side, he doesn't look or act like - around other people - a bad person. He comes off as smart, charming and likable. We looked like a great, happy couple. We shared eight years together, how could we possibly have been in a domestically violent relationship? We were so "cute" together. We grew up together.
It happens. And while it is easier to look the other way and pretend like everything was okay, it wasn't. I wasn't okay. The relationship literally almost killed me. Physically by him and mentally by me. Not only did he put my life in danger, but the relationship put me in such a bad place that I thought I wanted to die.
This is reality. It's not easy to talk about. It's not fun or glamorous. But it happened to me and I know that it is happening to others, right at this very moment. And instead of shaming someone, blaming them for staying, I hope that you can realize that the abusive narcissist manipulates the empath for years and creates this bond and cycle that is hard to break. Even if it is broken, it's that much harder to not go back. It can be done, but it needs to be accepted and talked about before survivors are able to leave.
Break the stigma and if you're going through this, if you're in an abusive relationship with a narcissist or if you were, remember to never, ever get back together with them. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but it's the only way to be happy and to gain your freedom back.
